Overcoming myself.

Ok, only five days until my first CrossFit competition. Up to today, it has felt far off... but I have started to get those dreadful waves of nervousness accompanied by the little negative voices in my head. I was back in the gym this morning after the long weekend at home for Thanksgiving, and it was harder than I anticipated. Much harder. This is not because I slacked off all weekend... because I didn't. I'm not entirely sure why it was so hard. It was cold. My shoulder has been bothering me again. I ate less paleo-ish the past few days. None of which are good excuses for not being willing to give my best this morning. Mostly it is just one of those days where its that much harder for me to focus and get my mind where it needs to be. Its frustrating because I have felt good (physically and mentally) the past few weeks, and I want this last week before the competition to be just as good, better even.

Maybe its not just one of those days. Honestly, it is most likely my fear of failure and looking like an idiot in front of people that is getting to me, now that Saturday is getting closer and closer. Yes, this is definitely it.

Regardless, the way I see it, I have a decision to make today. I can choose to let my insecurities and fear get the best of me and go into Saturday unprepared and already mentally defeated, or I can choose to focus and get my mind right so that I will be ready to give everything.

To get my mind right, I had to go back and read through my document of stuff that inspires me. The quote that speaks the most to me today comes from a blog that I follow of a CrossFitter/Oly lifter, Sage Burgener. Her brother wrote her an incredible letter a while back that she shared on her blog. I have read it many times, but this is what I needed to hear today:

"...you have to be comfortable with the possibility that you may succeed tremendously, or fail miserably (in terms of winning and losing). The important thing is that you committed, and you did everything you could to make it happen. Trust me, if you do that, the thoughts about winning and losing seem to almost disappear. It's about overcoming yourself, and pushing yourself to become greater than you were the day before, that's what really matters."

I have committed and I have been working hard. I may finish last. I may miss a lift or trip and fall on my face. I may even do really well. What is most important to me is that I do the very best that I can do for me... that I don't settle for mediocrity, that I don't stop pushing hard, that I overcome myself. Giving up is the only thing I would regret. With that said, I am choosing to kick fear in the face and do what I need to do this week so that I am ready for Saturday. Starting... now.

Tabata love?

If you do CrossFit, then you know all too well the meaning of "Tabata". I would describe it, but I think coach Dan John does a better job than I would:

"This training method is so simple, yet so incredibly difficult, that athletes tend to try it once, acknowledge its greatness, and then vow to never speak its name again. What is it? It's simple: take one exercise and perform it in the following manner:

1) For twenty seconds, do as many repetitions as possible.

2) Rest for ten seconds

3) Repeat seven more times!

That's it! You're done in four minutes! Oh, and that thing you're trying to brush off your face? That would be the floor."

This month I have been doing a Tabata set four days a week on the rowing machine. I row for 20 seconds, rest for 10 and do this a total of 8 times. I am supposed to hit a certain split time on the rower each 20 seconds and hold it till the end. It's pretty painful. The first 2 rounds feel great, 3-5 are okay, 6 is where I tend to lose a little bit of my mental toughness, and 7 and 8 hurt like hell... like everything is shutting down. Although I don't particularly like doing these little gems, I am told that they will improve my work capacity and probably some other stuff, if I really push myself hard on them, so this is what I am trying to do.

Like most things CrossFit, my Tabata rows are giving me more than a workout. Each time I sit down on that rower, there is this crazy mental battle going on. I'm not crazy, but I have voices. One voice is easy on me and full of excuses. It says, "Just take it easy today. You had a hard workout last night. You aren't feeling very well." Another one is negative, "You aren't going to make it. You're not good enough. Just quit." And the last one, which I try my hardest to listen to, says things like, "You can do it. You are good enough. Forget everything else and focus. Don't give up. Just go!" When I start to pull, if I'm listening to anything besides my Go voice (and Eminem... :), I'm likely not going to hit my split time.

I am learning a lot about myself in this training process. I am painfully aware of my physical as well as mental weaknesses. Though the Tabata rows are hard, I am strangely thankful that I have to do them four days a week. Each time, I have an opportunity to be better, to practice ignoring the negative voices, and to hit my split time all 8 rounds (which hasn't happened yet, but I know it will). Some days are good, some days are not so good, but each one is another chance to push hard and do better and learn something.

3, 2, 1, Go!

being where i need to be.

Last week I was really feeling the impact of the volume and intensity of my CrossFit training. I realized that I was starting to lose some focus. I would show up and do my exercises and whatever was programmed for me to do, but I couldn't seem to get myself mentally present or ready. It must be said that when the body shows up but the mind stays home, the workouts are waaaaay harder.

Last Thursday, I was thinking about all of this quite a bit... just about how difficult it is to be intentional in all aspects of my training... from the physical therapy exercises and drilling to the strength pieces and met-cons, not to mention in what I eat and how much sleep I get. However, I realize that being intentional is necessary if I want to be a better athlete and accomplish my goals. Aside from being intentional with my actions, I am learning how important it is for me to be intentional with my thoughts (even more so probably). I guess I have started getting comfortable with being just pretty good or only giving 80 percent and letting that be enough for me or making excuses if it wasn't. Its hard to be "on" all of the time.

A few months ago, I started a document on my computer of various articles, quotes, poems, and youtube videos that challenge and inspire me in one way or another. I was reading through some of this stuff today and came across this quote from a Gym Jones article by Mark Twight: "You must want (or need) to be where you are, doing what you are doing. If you can't pay attention or if you don't want to work hard, don't bother showing up to go through the motions. Nothing is gained by doing one thing with your body and another with your mind." This really hit me. Don't even bother showing up. That is pretty powerful. If I just decided to not show up for my workout tonight, it would look like quitting... it would be no secret because I would physically not be there. Steve and the others would notice. Its easier to fly under the radar and "fake it" when I show up physically but not mentally. But Twight says, "don't even bother... nothing is gained." I can't deny the truth of this. Even if no one else knows, I know, and my growth will be stagnant.

That said, I am making an extra effort to be where I need to be this week. I am trying to be more intentional in my actions and in my thoughts. It is not easy, and I will likely fail multiple times, but I'm going to take it one day at a time because this is the commitment I have made.

Time to go work out!