in time...

I am reading through a book that I love for the second time with a group of girls, called Found Art. In the intro, the author speaks about life being like a collage of experiences. I like this image because I have always liked collages. I used to make them out of photos and magazine clippings. I would hang them on my wall or give them to my friends. The idea is that our experiences... both good and bad, when pieced together, become something amazing and beautiful.

It always surprises me when I arrive at a place where I can look back on the difficult things in my life, and see how they have brought me to where I am today. Some things that were really crappy at the time have made me stronger, or helped me to relate to others in a unique way, or have caused me to change for the better, or steered me in a different direction. I am fully aware that my collage is not yet finished, that I will likely have many more difficult things to deal with and hard decisions to make, and that past struggles can always creep back in. There are also many sweet things yet to be experienced. But I like this idea that all of these random pieces together are making a complete picture of me... that there is some sort of method to the madness.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11.

The author of the book asks, "Which of these 28 seasons particularly resonates with you today? Why?"

Of course this is challenging for me because there are too many options and as you know, I have a hard time making decisions. I want to pick a few of these, but I'm going to say that for me, this is a time to build. I feel like I am in a pretty secure place right now and for this I am so grateful. In some ways, I feel as though I have just started something and each day I am building on that. I am being challenged and learning and just plain thinking more. However, there are some tools and materials I am not using as much of in my building that would probably make things go a little smoother and look a little better. This may seem somewhat cryptic, but I hope that I am able to let go of some of the expectations, shame, and fears that keep me from using these other things, which will help me to build something more solid and beautiful.

"... but if we will enter the frightening place--if we will engage in the context of this new culture--we will see that there was no shortcut to transformation." -Leanna Tankersley

loving truly.

Not trying to be a downer here, but I had kind of a "blah day". I hate days like this... especially when nothing is really wrong. I just feel blah... unmotivated, uncomfortable in my skin, tired, grumpy... and that's not me. Last week I was so busy and didn't have a whole lot of time to sit, think, pray... whatever. I guess this is why I am writing this. It helps me to focus my mind without having to be still... it feels more productive somehow. Why is sitting still so hard for me?

In an effort to feel better, I guess, I read today's reading from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers... something I try to do most days, but am not always successful. There was one line that really stuck out to me. It was this: "True love never simply declares itself." I thought about how easy it is for me to declare my love for someone or something... but how much more difficult it is to follow my words up with action. Action is the hard part, and its easy to justify and get lazy... especially when I am in a routine. I can easily tell Jeff that I love him, but not make an extra effort to spend quality time with him or go out of my way to surprise him. I can easily say that I love God, but not make time to pray or even acknowledge that he is with me always. I can easily say that I love my CrossFit training, but not do more of what I know it takes to be better at it... like eat right and ice my achy shoulders. I know without a doubt that I love Jeff and God and CrossFit... and many other people and things of course, but I am afraid that if all I do is simply say the words or go through the motions, that at some point, it won't be enough. It won't be enough for them, and it won't be enough for me.

"True love never simply declares itself." It does more than just say it. There has to be action. Love requires sacrifice. Sometimes its easy and sometimes its really hard. But if that person or thing is really worth it, well then, you do what you gotta do. I guess that is pretty much as far as I got. Nothing profound. Pretty obvious. I do feel a little less blah though. So tomorrow I am going to try to love more truly.

photo note: I love my succulents... and I love that they do not require much action. They are growing like crazy right now :)