i like mustaches (but that has absolutely nothing to do with this post)

I have kept a journal for a long time. Its mostly a prayer journal where I write my thoughts to God. Its an on and off thing. Lately, I have been typing my journal entries because I can write my thoughts faster and because my hand doesn't cramp up.

Every so often I like to look back in my journal to what I was doing and thinking about on this day last year. I did this today. I was in Mumbai, India. It was the second to last day of my trip, on which I got really sick. I was ready to come home. I went to India with another girl from the non-profit organization I spent a lot of time volunteering for (International Princess Project). I have traveled a fair amount to other countries... Mexico, Thailand, Guatemala... but India is a whole other thing. Its crowded, hot, full of funky smells, and cows in the middle of the road and crazy drivers. Its a little overwhelming to say the least. I had always been so certain that if I was single, I would be off living in some third world country doing who knows what... eating with my hands and walking around in the dirt barefoot or something like this. I tend to glamorize things... which can be good sometimes, but more often can lead to disappointment. I learned a lot on my trip to India. I was reminded how easy and comfortable my life is compared to so many. Yet sometimes I think its harder to live here in Orange County, Ca because there are so many distractions. Its so easy to get caught up in little things that don't really matter. I am easily distracted from living a purposeful life. I have good intentions, but quickly find myself sitting on my butt wondering what I should do now.

A couple weeks ago my wise coach asked me what I really want and what am I doing to get there? To be completely honest, I haven't thought about this question all that much until today. What do I really want? There are several things that quickly come to mind. I want to love what I do... career wise I mean. I want to help people be healthy and happy with who they are. I want to be stronger and faster in my CrossFit workouts and want to compete. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a mom... someday. I want to be more patient and generous. I want to have fun and laugh a lot and be grateful. I want to have more faith in God and his plan for me. Maybe these things are a bit broad... specifics can be scary. I think they require more commitment. But this is a start.

Now, what I am I doing to get what I want? Eeek... this is the hard part. As far as loving what I do... this has been a long work in progress. I do love CrossFit, so this is the direction I see myself going, but I lack confidence in my knowledge and coaching abilities, which makes it hard. But I'm doing it and I'm learning... however, I know there is more I can learn to be better and more confident. This goes along with helping people be healthy and happy :) To be stronger and faster... well, I'm working out and am pretty sure I'm getting stronger and faster. Again, the hard part is believing in myself... that I can do it and even beat people. I'm signed up for what I would consider my first real CrossFit competition on December 4th. My goal is give it everything I've got and not quit... and try to have fun despite the nervousness. Be a good wife... I fail daily, but thankfully Jeff is very gracious. This may sound dumb, but something I've been doing lately is ask Jeff if its okay if I go on Facebook before I do... so he knows I'm thinking about him and... okay, I told you it was lame, but I think maybe he appreciates it. Be a mom... I said someday, so not really working on this one yet :) Be more patient and generous... also a constant work in progress. I've been doing pretty good at having more fun lately and this probably has to do more with the people in my life than with me, but I'll take it. As far as laughing, we all know I laugh the hardest at my own jokes, so I guess I'll just keep being funny... thats an easy one! Have more faith in God. For me this means making time for God in my day... to read, pray, be still. Its hard, but I am working on it. I started reading Oswald Chambers again. Its short, thoughtful, pretty spot on. It at least gets me thinking about God in the morning and ideally helps me to be more aware of him in the various things I do throughout my day.

So, thats what I'm doing. Its not much, but its a start. And I didn't go into all of the nitty gritty, because that would make this already long blog even longer. What do you really want? What are you doing to get there? Think about it.

Peace out homies.

deep-ish thoughts

I have a tendency to let things (aka my emotions) build up... I may think that I am doing just fine, but then one day it hits me like a ton of bricks... I start to question my life... relationships, job, future and wonder what I'm doing and where I'm going. I spill out my thoughts to Jeff usually... and feel temporarily better (he may feel temporarily worse :), but don't really change anything, and go through this cycle again and again. Its exhausting, really. Last week, I think this kind of happened. Not in an overly emotional way so much, but I just got tired of how I have been somewhat checked out... going through the motions... or in some cases, not even doing that anymore. I've been selfish. Plain and simple.

I have been thinking more about my relationship with God lately. I don't know what about exactly, just that I know I need more of him. I know that when I am making space for God to be a part of my day that everything else seems to fall into place a little better. I am more peaceful and have more grace with myself and with others. I am more trusting that my life is in his control... that there is some sort of a plan in place.

I don't know why it surprises me, but whenever I surrender myself, even just a little bit and make myself more open to God, he seems to appear... in things that I read, in conversations that I have, even in TV shows. This has already been happening for me. It may sound corny, but Jeff and I finally got caught up on Glee this past weekend, and there was an episode that touched on religion quite a bit. There was a particular line in there from Sue's sister with Down Syndrome that really hit me: "God doesn't make mistakes." I guess I needed to hear this because the tears started welling up. God doesn't make mistakes. I heard this as, "Linds, you're all right"... and that was very comforting at that moment.

For whatever reason, I decided to pick up this book the other day that my mom gave me a long time ago and I have been slowly reading through one little chapter at a time. What I read yesterday was this: "Nothing good comes easily. You have to lose things you thought you loved, give up things you thought you needed. You have to get over yourself, beyond your past, out from under the weight of your future. The good stuff never comes when things are easy. It comes when things are all heavily weighted down like moving trucks. It comes just when you thought it never would..." (Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist). I always want things to be easy... who doesn't? As usual, I can relate this to CrossFit. Getting stronger and faster and more confident as an athlete doesn't come easy... it requires that I give up some of the things that I want (or think I want)... but its necessary for my improvement. In life when things are easy, I know that I am not being challenged and not really learning or having to think a whole lot... so I stay in the same place, get lazy, and stop depending on God. I especially like the line in the quote about having to get over yourself. Easier said than done, but a good reminder none the less. Less me = more God = better life. I know this, but how often I forget it.

If you made it this far, please excuse my ramblings that probably didn't make much sense and had no real conclusion.

Becoming...

Do you ever think of yourself as being one way... almost convince yourself that this is who you are because its how you want to be or think you should be... but you aren't really this way? I do. For example, I always think I am such a great bowler. I must have had a couple of good games back in the day... and by that I mean I bowled over 100. Truth is, I'm not really that good at all. Its as if I've blocked out all of my bad games and only remember the two "good" ones. I don't know why bowling came to mind first... I can't even remember the last time I bowled!

Anyway, I was thinking this week about how I tend to think of myself as an adventurous person... willing to try anything. The truth is... I am pretty fearful when it comes to trying new things. I want to be adventurous and spontaneous, but when the opportunity presents itself, I let fear take over. Sometimes its fear of pain, discomfort, or death (probably irrational, but hey). Sometimes its fear of failing or looking like a complete idiot, or fear of what others might think of me. Sometimes its fear that I might become someone else... not in a bad way necessarily, but just different... different than the Lindsay I am used to. Being more adventurous... spontaneous... daring... is something I want to work on. I know that more often than not, when I do what I am afraid of, I am not disappointed. Its freeing and fun.

In many ways CrossFit has helped me become less fearful. Before a workout, my stomach often turns in anticipation of what is to come, but as I get into the workout its almost as if my body just does what it will and its my mind that I have to keep focused. The very moment that I lose confidence and tell myself "I can't" is the moment my body slows down or stops performing or doesn't lift the weight... even though it is perfectly capable.

This morning, my workout included finding my 1 rep max Jerk. My previous max was 99lbs and I wanted to break 100. When I thought that I had, I realized that I added the weight wrong and was only at 97lbs. So when I got to 102lbs, I struggled to get under the weight. I was afraid... of getting hurt, I guess... which is kind of ridiculous since I know I can just drop the weight. Steve asked me, "what thoughts go through your head when you go to lift the weight?"

me: "I dont know."

Steve: "Is it 'Oh Shit!'?"

me: "Yes, actually."

This little realization was helpful for me. If I start a lift without confidence, then it won't be successful. Although I tried changing my thoughts on my following lifts, I continued to fail many times after this. Its hard to change bad habits, and I have many of them. But I did get it... finally, and when I did, it was good. I started with confidence, not fear, and my body followed.

Equally humbling, I was reminded that not every one of my lifts will be a PR. I will often fail; often embarrass myself; often experience pain. As is with life. I am learning that all of these things are a necessary evil to my growth... and hopefully to becoming a better (slightly more adventurous) version of myself.