I have been wanting to write for a while now, but I haven't felt particularly inspired to say anything meaningful. However, this morning I cracked open my first double yoke egg, and thought, I should blog today! And if that's not inspiration, then I don't know what is, so here I go. I read a quote the other day that has really stuck with me for whatever reason. This is it:
"So you mustn’t be frightened if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you?" -Rainer Maria Rilke.
I cannot say that I am experiencing great sadness at the moment, but I thought this was really beautiful and profound. There have certainly been times where my heart feels like it weighs a ton or when I feel lost in my mind, trapped in negative thoughts that seem to be playing on repeat. Times where I question my purpose in life, or God's presence, or his love for me. How true though, that these are the times where the most growth happens for me, where work is being done on my insides.
Speaking of inside work, I was talking with some girlfriends last week about stillness and silence. I actually don't mind being alone or silent so much, its being still when I am alone that is a struggle for me. I tend to avoid doing nothing like I avoid folding laundry. I haven't always been this way, and I'm not sure what changed. It is in being silent and still that I have to really think and process. Working on the inner parts of myself is what scares me, because I know it will require doing things that I don't want to do and giving up things that I don't want to give up, and sometimes experiencing sadness or discomfort.
I am thankful that CrossFit has allowed me to work on some of my insecurities and struggles without me having to sit still, but I know that I sometimes use it to avoid the quiet time that I need. Much like the quote says, I want to shut out what is uncomfortable and hard. Somehow it does make it better to think that the hard stuff simply means that "life has not forgotten" me. And really, my life is pretty damn good :)
For the entire Rilke passage, click here. Its really good.
