decisions.

Decisions. I've never been particularly good at them. I am that person in the restaurant who stares at the menu for as long as possible, asks everyone else at the table what they are ordering, asks the waiter what his favorite dish is, and when I finally do order, I've created my own dish... and then end up eating whatever Jeff ordered instead. Go figure. My point being... when it comes to deciding what I want for myself, I have a very challenging time. Its especially difficult to separate what I want from what I think I should want or from what someone else wants... even if I know we are completely different. I'm talking about more than food here, but I think the comparison works. I am easily moldable... and when it comes to my life, thats probably not such a good thing. I should be a little more solid... a little more sure and confident. I care too much about what other people think, which I know I have mentioned before, but this just adds to the difficulty I have making decisions.

Anyway, today was especially full of thinking, weighing pros and cons and other people's opinions and feelings. Do I want the steak or the salmon?... and is it possible to just have a little of both? Usually I want both, however most restaurants are not so accommodating... unless of course you pay 60 bucks for the surf n turf. Really, this is not about food. But if it were, I'm the one who is going to eat it, so I better make sure my choice is mine. Wow. It must be past my bedtime.

rainy day random thoughts.

I don't want to sound depressing and say that I'm not happy. I'm not NOT happy, but maybe just kind of eh. I can certainly have fun and I don't necessarily feel down. Indifferent perhaps. Going through the motions a little bit. I've been this way for several weeks now... maybe longer. I haven't really been paying attention. There were a couple of things this weekend though that made me stop and think... more than anything, just got me outside of myself for a few minutes.

Jeff and I went to my dear friend, Sarah's graduation from Art Center in Pasadena on Saturday. Part of the graduation was dedicated to awarding alumni who have used their skills to make an impact in their community and the world. It was impressive and inspring to see videos of the work they had done and how they were helping others. I started to think about how amazing it feels to help someone else, to give without expecting anything in return, to work hard for something that I believe in and care about.

Although I have learned a lot of valuable things in the last year and have grown in many ways, I have mostly done what I want to do... and not done what I don't want to do. And now I sit here, feeling a bit... well, unfulfilled. I read something this morning from a CrossFitter's blog that said, "If you don't like your lift, adjust your grip. If you don't like your life, change it. The game is yours. You are the controller." Its not that I don't like my life, but I know that it can be more. I know that I can be better, and I am the only one who can make it so.

So the graduation was inspiring, even if it was a tad on the long side. There was a sense of hope and promise and a fresh start that I longed for. The other thing was church yesterday. I seriously don't remember the last time Jeff and I went to church, but it had been a while. And yesterday was almost another lazy Sunday, but we went... and I'm usually glad when we do. Sometimes I'm not even really paying attention to the message, but just the act of going and listening to the worship and being surrounded by other believers gives me a sense of peace and reminds me that there is more than just me and my four mile radius. Anyway, it was hard to not pay attention because there was a pretty impressive Christmas drama... lots of ladders and dancing and cool lighting and music... not as cheesy as I make it sound, I promise. The message was Immanuel, meaning God with us. I have heard it a thousand times, but what I really heard (and needed to hear) yesterday was that we no longer need to climb (hence the ladders) and strive, because God stepped down into our world. He was with his creation thousands of years ago and he is with us today... all the time, even when we don't feel him.

I struggle a lot with striving for things to make me feel meaningful, and often times, they do, at least for a while. But I know deep down when my priorities are out of whack because there is a small sense of emptiness. Normally, I feel a lot of guilt over this, but today I guess I just recognize it as a stage of life and something that I want to change. If you don't like it, change it... right? Oh, thats so much easier said than done!

Part of me is tempted to wait to change. After all, January 1st is right around the corner and there is no time like the new year to start fresh. But I guess there will always seem to be a better time... because change is hard. Being more intentional with your life takes effort. Cookies taste good at the time, but they don't feel so great when you are doing burpees with them in your stomach. Get my point?

I don't know what else to say here, but I think this quote is fitting,

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you are going to do now, and do it." -William C. Durant

having fun doing what i do.

I know, I know... its been a while! To my hundreds of followers, I am very sorry ;)

So, considering this blog has become 98% about CrossFit, I see it only fitting that I write about my first competition. As most of you know, I participated in the women's intermediate class at the Next Level Invitational two weekends ago. I have been training to compete for several months now, and this was my opportunity to get out there and experience what its like.

It turns out that when something new (and perhaps a little scary) is a safe distance away, its easy to imagine oneself prepared and calm and in control when the time comes. This is how I was feeling up until the Monday before the NLI. I don't know what happend to me, but the five days before the competition I lost myself and I couldn't seem to pull it together, though I was trying. If I had a regular "that time of the month", this would have been it. I was super emotional and irritable and I wanted to eat lots of ice cream (maybe that last one is not so out of the ordinary). The point is, although I had been training my body and my mind for months and was as ready as I could be, I suddenly didn't feel ready. My fears of failure and letting other people down started creeping back in, and I was having a very hard time remembering why I am doing this.

Not helping my situation, Steve tapered my workouts the week before the event. I had seriously convinced myself that he just wanted to make me miserable. Tapering is hard... much harder than I thought it would be. I guess I believed that my body needed it, but mentally, the decrease in intensity and volume of my workouts made me feel lazy and detached. And the fact that I was having to do something different was causing me to make this competition a bigger deal than it needed to be. By Friday I was about to break into tears at any moment. Thanks to the encouraging words of Carrie, who I've been training alongside since the beginning, and Steve, reminding me that I'm more than capable and that this is just for me to get experience and have fun, I was finally feeling ready for Saturday. My primary goal was to have fun and do what I do.

But enough about the pre-game. I just wanted you all to know that kicking ass does not come so easily for me ;) So Saturday morning, I had all of my stuff ready to go, and I met Carrie at the OC Fairgrounds where we checked in, set up our stuff, and started warming up. The first half of the workout included a 2 rep max snatch, a vertical jump, a 60 meter shuttle sprint, and max pull-ups without leaving the bar. My heat went around 8:30. When I walked out to the bar, my amazing gym family was there in the stands cheering me on, and I felt an overwhelming sense of support and peace. I wasn't nervous at all... just focused on doing the task in front of me the best that I could. I PR'd on my lift, which felt good, and made it through the other tasks without falling on my face. I was placed 35th out of 50 women.

The afternoon events were much more cardio intensive. Find a 1 rep max deadlift, perform 3 rounds of 3 clean and jerks at 95# and 6 broad jumps, then max burpees in 4 minutes, max meters on a ski erg in 4 minutes, max double unders in 4 minutes, and 30 knees to elbows then a 500 meter run for time. I felt much less anxious about the deadlift than the snatches. I lifted 260 pounds... 9 pounds more than my previous max only a couple weeks prior. The clean and jerks felt surprisingly light, and the other parts of the workout were more a matter of pushing through the pain than anything else. I knew that I could do the movements, I just had to move fast. Going through each 4 minute segment was an interesting experience. I was present in the moment, but at the same time, my mind was somewhere else... i was in the zone and just let my body do what it had to do. I almost made it through all of the events without falling on my face, but on my run, someone walked right into me as I was rounding a corner and I hit the ground pretty hard. Adrenaline got me up fast and I probably only lost a few seconds. No real harm done, just a decent sized bruise on my hip.

At the end of the day, I moved up to 15th place. I am happy with that, but honestly could have finished at the bottom and still would have felt amazing. It was an incredible experience (fun even) and a huge hurdle for me to get over. I am proud of myself for not quitting. I know that I have a lot to learn yet and many things to improve on, but every day (good or bad) I am moving forward. As I sit here now, I can't help but be so thankful that I get to do this, that Jeff is so supportive, that my community is so encouraging, that my coach pushes me to be better, and that I am capable of so much more than I ever would have imagined. I think we all are.

to watch a video of the event... my friend Chris put this together: nlp invitational

Overcoming myself.

Ok, only five days until my first CrossFit competition. Up to today, it has felt far off... but I have started to get those dreadful waves of nervousness accompanied by the little negative voices in my head. I was back in the gym this morning after the long weekend at home for Thanksgiving, and it was harder than I anticipated. Much harder. This is not because I slacked off all weekend... because I didn't. I'm not entirely sure why it was so hard. It was cold. My shoulder has been bothering me again. I ate less paleo-ish the past few days. None of which are good excuses for not being willing to give my best this morning. Mostly it is just one of those days where its that much harder for me to focus and get my mind where it needs to be. Its frustrating because I have felt good (physically and mentally) the past few weeks, and I want this last week before the competition to be just as good, better even.

Maybe its not just one of those days. Honestly, it is most likely my fear of failure and looking like an idiot in front of people that is getting to me, now that Saturday is getting closer and closer. Yes, this is definitely it.

Regardless, the way I see it, I have a decision to make today. I can choose to let my insecurities and fear get the best of me and go into Saturday unprepared and already mentally defeated, or I can choose to focus and get my mind right so that I will be ready to give everything.

To get my mind right, I had to go back and read through my document of stuff that inspires me. The quote that speaks the most to me today comes from a blog that I follow of a CrossFitter/Oly lifter, Sage Burgener. Her brother wrote her an incredible letter a while back that she shared on her blog. I have read it many times, but this is what I needed to hear today:

"...you have to be comfortable with the possibility that you may succeed tremendously, or fail miserably (in terms of winning and losing). The important thing is that you committed, and you did everything you could to make it happen. Trust me, if you do that, the thoughts about winning and losing seem to almost disappear. It's about overcoming yourself, and pushing yourself to become greater than you were the day before, that's what really matters."

I have committed and I have been working hard. I may finish last. I may miss a lift or trip and fall on my face. I may even do really well. What is most important to me is that I do the very best that I can do for me... that I don't settle for mediocrity, that I don't stop pushing hard, that I overcome myself. Giving up is the only thing I would regret. With that said, I am choosing to kick fear in the face and do what I need to do this week so that I am ready for Saturday. Starting... now.

Tabata love?

If you do CrossFit, then you know all too well the meaning of "Tabata". I would describe it, but I think coach Dan John does a better job than I would:

"This training method is so simple, yet so incredibly difficult, that athletes tend to try it once, acknowledge its greatness, and then vow to never speak its name again. What is it? It's simple: take one exercise and perform it in the following manner:

1) For twenty seconds, do as many repetitions as possible.

2) Rest for ten seconds

3) Repeat seven more times!

That's it! You're done in four minutes! Oh, and that thing you're trying to brush off your face? That would be the floor."

This month I have been doing a Tabata set four days a week on the rowing machine. I row for 20 seconds, rest for 10 and do this a total of 8 times. I am supposed to hit a certain split time on the rower each 20 seconds and hold it till the end. It's pretty painful. The first 2 rounds feel great, 3-5 are okay, 6 is where I tend to lose a little bit of my mental toughness, and 7 and 8 hurt like hell... like everything is shutting down. Although I don't particularly like doing these little gems, I am told that they will improve my work capacity and probably some other stuff, if I really push myself hard on them, so this is what I am trying to do.

Like most things CrossFit, my Tabata rows are giving me more than a workout. Each time I sit down on that rower, there is this crazy mental battle going on. I'm not crazy, but I have voices. One voice is easy on me and full of excuses. It says, "Just take it easy today. You had a hard workout last night. You aren't feeling very well." Another one is negative, "You aren't going to make it. You're not good enough. Just quit." And the last one, which I try my hardest to listen to, says things like, "You can do it. You are good enough. Forget everything else and focus. Don't give up. Just go!" When I start to pull, if I'm listening to anything besides my Go voice (and Eminem... :), I'm likely not going to hit my split time.

I am learning a lot about myself in this training process. I am painfully aware of my physical as well as mental weaknesses. Though the Tabata rows are hard, I am strangely thankful that I have to do them four days a week. Each time, I have an opportunity to be better, to practice ignoring the negative voices, and to hit my split time all 8 rounds (which hasn't happened yet, but I know it will). Some days are good, some days are not so good, but each one is another chance to push hard and do better and learn something.

3, 2, 1, Go!

being where i need to be.

Last week I was really feeling the impact of the volume and intensity of my CrossFit training. I realized that I was starting to lose some focus. I would show up and do my exercises and whatever was programmed for me to do, but I couldn't seem to get myself mentally present or ready. It must be said that when the body shows up but the mind stays home, the workouts are waaaaay harder.

Last Thursday, I was thinking about all of this quite a bit... just about how difficult it is to be intentional in all aspects of my training... from the physical therapy exercises and drilling to the strength pieces and met-cons, not to mention in what I eat and how much sleep I get. However, I realize that being intentional is necessary if I want to be a better athlete and accomplish my goals. Aside from being intentional with my actions, I am learning how important it is for me to be intentional with my thoughts (even more so probably). I guess I have started getting comfortable with being just pretty good or only giving 80 percent and letting that be enough for me or making excuses if it wasn't. Its hard to be "on" all of the time.

A few months ago, I started a document on my computer of various articles, quotes, poems, and youtube videos that challenge and inspire me in one way or another. I was reading through some of this stuff today and came across this quote from a Gym Jones article by Mark Twight: "You must want (or need) to be where you are, doing what you are doing. If you can't pay attention or if you don't want to work hard, don't bother showing up to go through the motions. Nothing is gained by doing one thing with your body and another with your mind." This really hit me. Don't even bother showing up. That is pretty powerful. If I just decided to not show up for my workout tonight, it would look like quitting... it would be no secret because I would physically not be there. Steve and the others would notice. Its easier to fly under the radar and "fake it" when I show up physically but not mentally. But Twight says, "don't even bother... nothing is gained." I can't deny the truth of this. Even if no one else knows, I know, and my growth will be stagnant.

That said, I am making an extra effort to be where I need to be this week. I am trying to be more intentional in my actions and in my thoughts. It is not easy, and I will likely fail multiple times, but I'm going to take it one day at a time because this is the commitment I have made.

Time to go work out!

i like mustaches (but that has absolutely nothing to do with this post)

I have kept a journal for a long time. Its mostly a prayer journal where I write my thoughts to God. Its an on and off thing. Lately, I have been typing my journal entries because I can write my thoughts faster and because my hand doesn't cramp up.

Every so often I like to look back in my journal to what I was doing and thinking about on this day last year. I did this today. I was in Mumbai, India. It was the second to last day of my trip, on which I got really sick. I was ready to come home. I went to India with another girl from the non-profit organization I spent a lot of time volunteering for (International Princess Project). I have traveled a fair amount to other countries... Mexico, Thailand, Guatemala... but India is a whole other thing. Its crowded, hot, full of funky smells, and cows in the middle of the road and crazy drivers. Its a little overwhelming to say the least. I had always been so certain that if I was single, I would be off living in some third world country doing who knows what... eating with my hands and walking around in the dirt barefoot or something like this. I tend to glamorize things... which can be good sometimes, but more often can lead to disappointment. I learned a lot on my trip to India. I was reminded how easy and comfortable my life is compared to so many. Yet sometimes I think its harder to live here in Orange County, Ca because there are so many distractions. Its so easy to get caught up in little things that don't really matter. I am easily distracted from living a purposeful life. I have good intentions, but quickly find myself sitting on my butt wondering what I should do now.

A couple weeks ago my wise coach asked me what I really want and what am I doing to get there? To be completely honest, I haven't thought about this question all that much until today. What do I really want? There are several things that quickly come to mind. I want to love what I do... career wise I mean. I want to help people be healthy and happy with who they are. I want to be stronger and faster in my CrossFit workouts and want to compete. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a mom... someday. I want to be more patient and generous. I want to have fun and laugh a lot and be grateful. I want to have more faith in God and his plan for me. Maybe these things are a bit broad... specifics can be scary. I think they require more commitment. But this is a start.

Now, what I am I doing to get what I want? Eeek... this is the hard part. As far as loving what I do... this has been a long work in progress. I do love CrossFit, so this is the direction I see myself going, but I lack confidence in my knowledge and coaching abilities, which makes it hard. But I'm doing it and I'm learning... however, I know there is more I can learn to be better and more confident. This goes along with helping people be healthy and happy :) To be stronger and faster... well, I'm working out and am pretty sure I'm getting stronger and faster. Again, the hard part is believing in myself... that I can do it and even beat people. I'm signed up for what I would consider my first real CrossFit competition on December 4th. My goal is give it everything I've got and not quit... and try to have fun despite the nervousness. Be a good wife... I fail daily, but thankfully Jeff is very gracious. This may sound dumb, but something I've been doing lately is ask Jeff if its okay if I go on Facebook before I do... so he knows I'm thinking about him and... okay, I told you it was lame, but I think maybe he appreciates it. Be a mom... I said someday, so not really working on this one yet :) Be more patient and generous... also a constant work in progress. I've been doing pretty good at having more fun lately and this probably has to do more with the people in my life than with me, but I'll take it. As far as laughing, we all know I laugh the hardest at my own jokes, so I guess I'll just keep being funny... thats an easy one! Have more faith in God. For me this means making time for God in my day... to read, pray, be still. Its hard, but I am working on it. I started reading Oswald Chambers again. Its short, thoughtful, pretty spot on. It at least gets me thinking about God in the morning and ideally helps me to be more aware of him in the various things I do throughout my day.

So, thats what I'm doing. Its not much, but its a start. And I didn't go into all of the nitty gritty, because that would make this already long blog even longer. What do you really want? What are you doing to get there? Think about it.

Peace out homies.

deep-ish thoughts

I have a tendency to let things (aka my emotions) build up... I may think that I am doing just fine, but then one day it hits me like a ton of bricks... I start to question my life... relationships, job, future and wonder what I'm doing and where I'm going. I spill out my thoughts to Jeff usually... and feel temporarily better (he may feel temporarily worse :), but don't really change anything, and go through this cycle again and again. Its exhausting, really. Last week, I think this kind of happened. Not in an overly emotional way so much, but I just got tired of how I have been somewhat checked out... going through the motions... or in some cases, not even doing that anymore. I've been selfish. Plain and simple.

I have been thinking more about my relationship with God lately. I don't know what about exactly, just that I know I need more of him. I know that when I am making space for God to be a part of my day that everything else seems to fall into place a little better. I am more peaceful and have more grace with myself and with others. I am more trusting that my life is in his control... that there is some sort of a plan in place.

I don't know why it surprises me, but whenever I surrender myself, even just a little bit and make myself more open to God, he seems to appear... in things that I read, in conversations that I have, even in TV shows. This has already been happening for me. It may sound corny, but Jeff and I finally got caught up on Glee this past weekend, and there was an episode that touched on religion quite a bit. There was a particular line in there from Sue's sister with Down Syndrome that really hit me: "God doesn't make mistakes." I guess I needed to hear this because the tears started welling up. God doesn't make mistakes. I heard this as, "Linds, you're all right"... and that was very comforting at that moment.

For whatever reason, I decided to pick up this book the other day that my mom gave me a long time ago and I have been slowly reading through one little chapter at a time. What I read yesterday was this: "Nothing good comes easily. You have to lose things you thought you loved, give up things you thought you needed. You have to get over yourself, beyond your past, out from under the weight of your future. The good stuff never comes when things are easy. It comes when things are all heavily weighted down like moving trucks. It comes just when you thought it never would..." (Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist). I always want things to be easy... who doesn't? As usual, I can relate this to CrossFit. Getting stronger and faster and more confident as an athlete doesn't come easy... it requires that I give up some of the things that I want (or think I want)... but its necessary for my improvement. In life when things are easy, I know that I am not being challenged and not really learning or having to think a whole lot... so I stay in the same place, get lazy, and stop depending on God. I especially like the line in the quote about having to get over yourself. Easier said than done, but a good reminder none the less. Less me = more God = better life. I know this, but how often I forget it.

If you made it this far, please excuse my ramblings that probably didn't make much sense and had no real conclusion.

Becoming...

Do you ever think of yourself as being one way... almost convince yourself that this is who you are because its how you want to be or think you should be... but you aren't really this way? I do. For example, I always think I am such a great bowler. I must have had a couple of good games back in the day... and by that I mean I bowled over 100. Truth is, I'm not really that good at all. Its as if I've blocked out all of my bad games and only remember the two "good" ones. I don't know why bowling came to mind first... I can't even remember the last time I bowled!

Anyway, I was thinking this week about how I tend to think of myself as an adventurous person... willing to try anything. The truth is... I am pretty fearful when it comes to trying new things. I want to be adventurous and spontaneous, but when the opportunity presents itself, I let fear take over. Sometimes its fear of pain, discomfort, or death (probably irrational, but hey). Sometimes its fear of failing or looking like a complete idiot, or fear of what others might think of me. Sometimes its fear that I might become someone else... not in a bad way necessarily, but just different... different than the Lindsay I am used to. Being more adventurous... spontaneous... daring... is something I want to work on. I know that more often than not, when I do what I am afraid of, I am not disappointed. Its freeing and fun.

In many ways CrossFit has helped me become less fearful. Before a workout, my stomach often turns in anticipation of what is to come, but as I get into the workout its almost as if my body just does what it will and its my mind that I have to keep focused. The very moment that I lose confidence and tell myself "I can't" is the moment my body slows down or stops performing or doesn't lift the weight... even though it is perfectly capable.

This morning, my workout included finding my 1 rep max Jerk. My previous max was 99lbs and I wanted to break 100. When I thought that I had, I realized that I added the weight wrong and was only at 97lbs. So when I got to 102lbs, I struggled to get under the weight. I was afraid... of getting hurt, I guess... which is kind of ridiculous since I know I can just drop the weight. Steve asked me, "what thoughts go through your head when you go to lift the weight?"

me: "I dont know."

Steve: "Is it 'Oh Shit!'?"

me: "Yes, actually."

This little realization was helpful for me. If I start a lift without confidence, then it won't be successful. Although I tried changing my thoughts on my following lifts, I continued to fail many times after this. Its hard to change bad habits, and I have many of them. But I did get it... finally, and when I did, it was good. I started with confidence, not fear, and my body followed.

Equally humbling, I was reminded that not every one of my lifts will be a PR. I will often fail; often embarrass myself; often experience pain. As is with life. I am learning that all of these things are a necessary evil to my growth... and hopefully to becoming a better (slightly more adventurous) version of myself.

Yessss!!!!! I'm Normal!!!!! (kind of)

WARNING: to any guys who may read this I'm going to talk about "womanly issues" so if its TMI, just remember that I warned you. I know I blogged yesterday, but I'm too excited to not say anything. I should start off by saying I'm NOT pregnant.

Here is a little background... when I was in high school, a dermatologist prescribed birth control to help clear up my skin, so I took it and basically kept taking it through college, except for a few months when I studied abroad in Thailand. Two years ago, I went through a bit of a rough patch... got a little depressed, gained some weight, etc. During this time, I went to counseling and decided to take a break from the birth control. I was getting sick of taking it and paying for it, and had been on it so long that I wondered if it was having any affect on my mood. Combined with the counseling and the move to Costa Mesa and CrossFit, I started doing much better, my weight went back down... I was happier. I'm sure it wasn't all because I went off the pill, but I didn't really care to go back to it just yet... and I was curious what my body would do. I went 3 months without having a period, then 6 months, then a year. I did go to the doctor a few times, but each time they didn't see anything wrong with my hormone levels and told me that if I wasn't ready to get pregnant, not to worry about it. Even though I didn't want a baby right then and there, I was worried that my lack of periods meant that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant or that it would be really difficult for me. I was also worried that something else could be wrong with me, seeing as my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to.

Another year has gone by, along with more blood tests and a couple of rounds of Progesterone and Clomid to induce a period, with no luck and no answers. I have to say, I was also getting rather sick of the "You probably exercise too much" response. (FYI, 30min to an hour a day is not too much exercise... its actually recommended!) But today... I got it!!!! I'm normal!!!! and I am so happy (if you couldn't tell by all the exclamation points)... 1. that my funky mood and "uncomfortable in my skin" feelings this past week can be attributed to PMS! and 2. that it may not be as hard for me to get pregnant as I thought it would be (when I'm ready... which is not yet by the way). So that's all and I apologize if this made anyone uncomfortable, but clearly I don't care. I'm so happy!!!!! Feel free to congratulate me... haha!

I'm crooked.

One of my legs is longer than the other. No joke. It only took me 27 years to realize this. Last week, I was doing some snatch drills at CrossFit and noticed that my right foot was always slightly forward from my left. So I started paying more attention to my feet. When just standing around, I would look down... and sure enough, right always in front of the left! When I moved it back so they were level, it felt really off, like my hips were twisting. Today at the gym, Carrie brought some felt for me to cut so that it would fit inside my little leg's shoe. It feels kind of strange in there, but seems to straighten out the problem and hopefully helps with some other issues I have going on, mostly on my left side.

Following my little leg fix, I had a good workout. The last couple weeks have been pretty tough for me. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my knee and shoulders bothering me, even though I like to convince myself that its not. Aside from that, I have just felt like I've been in a fog. Yesterday was one of those days. It must have been, because at least four people asked me if I was ok, or told me I looked tired. Not a good sign. The truth is, I don't think I know what it is... or maybe I do, but I'm too lazy to really sit with myself and explore it. Perhaps I should. Anyway, the point is, today felt better. Not 100%, but better. My shoulder was feeling pretty good this morning and I was so glad to be able to do my workout as Steve planned it. I think I pushed myself hard. The weight on my cleans was maybe a bit light, but my form felt pretty solid and it was still hard enough to make me grunt a little... usually a good indicator that I'm pushing hard. I am just thankful that I could do it.

"Failure seldom stops you. What stops you is the fear of failure." – Jack Lemmon

passion.

I got a new book last week called Never Let Go by Dan John. On the outside its about weightlifting, but beneath that and all of Dan's humor (he really is kind of funny), there are some good life lessons. I am only a little over half way through (which is actually a big accomplishment for me), but I like it... may actually finish it! Here is one of my favorite parts... it really spoke to where I'm at...

"Passion is a word that doesn't mean what you think it means. It means to suffer. Now, that may not be how we use it today, but that's what the root of the word means, at least in the dictionary. Let's define it this way: Passion, to suffer for love. I think greatness comes to those willing to go past the sweat. I hear it all the time, 'Look, see, I'm working hard. I'm sweating.' Yeah, well, you'll sweat in a sauna too. It doesn't mean nothin'. You have to go past the hurt, too. The hardest thing to teach young men in football is the difference between being hurt and being injured. Injured means out; you're done for today, this week, this season. Hurt means you've just moved beyond the pain. Winners learn to live with hurt. In life, you're going to be hurt a lot. Passion is learning to push beyond all of this in the pursuit of your dreams and goals. Your goals are going to cost you in every nuance of the word: physically, emotionally, financially and all the rest of the 'allies you can find."

I have been struggling the last week or so with stuff... I can't quite pinpoint it, because nothing is really wrong. Life is good and I am happy. What it probably boils down to is me doubting myself, worrying too much about what other people think, and perhaps not sleeping enough. But what else is new? My CrossFit training changed a few weeks ago, and since then I have been in this constant state of self awareness... and my brain is tired. Let me tell you, it has been so much more than physical training. I've also been letting my knee and shoulder injury get the best of me a little bit. Its really not even about the injuries... but they are forcing me to slow down and think about my goals and how I am going to reach them. The injuries are a reminder that its not going to be easy all of the time. I have definitely given up before when things got hard... started to hurt a little bit. I don't want to give up. Jeff said to me today, "Just be you and do the best you can do babe." Somehow this brought things into perspective for me. So this is what I plan on doing... the best that I can, with passion (suffering for love). I won't give up.

thursday thoughts and dinner

I'm getting really frustrated with my knee injury. It was like a month ago that I tripped on that stupid bump in the road! Every time I drive by that bump, I curse it. My knee doesn't hurt all that bad, but its definitely not 100%, or even 80% for that matter, and because of this I really have to be taking care of it... icing, stretching, extending, etc. I am doing these things, but probably not as much as I could be. There are also several things that I have to be careful with or avoid in my workouts... running, jumping, heavy squatting... and this is frustrating because I like to be able to do what everyone else is doing. I'm not trying to whine... I know the reasons. I'm just mad that I had to go and fall and get myself into this whole mess! My shoulder was also bothering me today... which it has before, but these two things combined made me feel just a little discouraged today. My thoughts right now, as much as I don't like to say it, are that I need to take care of myself. I need to learn how to recover and rest and be patient :(

On another note, the Primal Challenge is going well so far. In all honesty, I haven't really changed anything. My thoughts at the beginning were that I would try to be a little more strict... to me this means, less fruit, less salt, no coconut ice cream for the 30 days. But... I still have a little carton of ice cream in my freezer and its SO good... especially with fruit on top. I'm telling myself that once its all gone, I won't buy any more for the rest of the month... we'll see.

Tonight, Sheena came over for dinner and I made meatloaf, spaghetti squash, and roasted brussel sprouts. It was all quite delicious if I do say so myself. The meatloaf recipe I got from Everyday Paleo, and the brussel sprouts... I cut in half, boiled for 3 minutes, strained, then roasted in the oven with olive oil, salt and pepper at 400 degrees for 15-20min. For the spaghetti squash... cut in half length wise, scoop out the seeds, and drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper, and put flat side down on baking sheet. Bake for about 40min or until soft at 350-400 degrees. Scrape the inside with a fork to make it "spaghetti". I also heated up some Puttanesca sauce from Trader Joe's to put on top of everything. Thats it!

photo: glad I can use that frozen corn for something!

30 day challenge!

Today kicks off Mark Sisson's 30 Day Primal Challenge. As most of you know, I’ve been eating a mostly Paleo diet... which consists of meat & fish, vegetables, nuts & seeds, some fruit, and little starch... no grains, dairy, or sugar... which goes without saying, no processed foods. I’m not exactly sure what Mark’s 30 day challenge entails, but I’m pretty sure it involves eating this way, or at least more like this. He is a little vague on his blog, but what I gather is that he will be posting daily info, challenges and contests where readers can choose to participate and enter to win some really cool prizes.

My friend, Sheena, and I went to Mark’s lecture a few weeks ago and have talked about doing this 30 day challenge. So, I just thought I would put this out there and see if anyone else is interested in giving it a shot. I can go on and on about how good I feel and how fun and strangely freeing it is to eat this way... but you really won’t know until you try it. I will also say that it took me a while to warm up to cutting out what felt to me like everything! I didn’t think it could be done, but I’m surprised how easy it is for me now. I actually wasn’t able to stick with it the first couple of times I tried, and I certainly wouldn’t want to push anyone into doing this if you aren’t ready for it, but know that if you would like to give it a shot... you will not be alone :) I hope to be good about posting thoughts, encouragement, and recipes on my blog over the next 30 days... especially if others express interest.

I realize that the day the challenge starts is pretty short notice... but don’t worry, you can start any time, and be keep in mind that everyone is in a different place as far as what they are ready to do/give up. You will reap the most benefits by following the diet more closely, but even cutting out the processed foods will be a huge step in the right direction. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. You can also do a little research on Mark’s blog... this is a good post that I found, as well as on this website (which lists all of the foods you can eat... there's a lot). Okay, I think that is all I’ve got for now. Its only 30 days... and you won’t be starving yourself really... eat as much as you want of real food. Its that easy :)

Paleo Snacks!

Here are some of my favorite things to munch on when my tummy starts to talk to me in the middle of the day:

1. Nuts! I eat a lot of almonds. I pretty much always have a ziplock baggie of almonds in my purse. Its very convenient. I like to mix the roasted & lightly salted with the raw almonds... seems to be the perfect amount of flavor for me. Pecans and walnuts are great too. I buy the big bags at Costco (except for the roasted ones which come from TJ's)... and I keep them in the freezer. Mom does it, so I do it... but I do think it keeps them fresh longer and they are kinda good cold :)

2. Raw veggies. My personal favs are baby carrots, celery, white mushrooms, cucumbers and cherry tomatoes. I always have them in the fridge and eat them often. Try dipping them in Tahini (the TJ's one is good)... not sure if its Paleo, but I think its close. FYI... hummus is good, but not considered Paleo since its made from beans... not Paleo because they need to be cooked to be eaten.

3. Nut butters. Did you know that peanuts are actually legumes? Yes, its true. So what I said above about beans not being Paleo goes for peanuts too since they fall in this category. This is why I made the switch to almond butter, and I think I like it better anyway. However, we won't split hairs over a peanut, right Steve? My favorite almond butter is Trader Joe's Crunchy Salted with Flax. It has the best texture. The others are good too though. I have recently discovered Cashew Macadamia butter and I love it... more desserty I think. Here are some things you can do with nut butters:

~Ants on a log: remember this one? spread almond butter inside a celery stick and top with raisins. Its cute. Its fun. Its good. Its good for you!

~Dip baby carrots or celery right into that jar baby!

~On fruit: over mixed berries in a bowl (strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, etc) or on an apple or banana.

4. Beef Jerky. I never used to eat beef jerky... except when hiking and camping. I have to say, there is quite a difference between the jerky at the grocery store and the jerky from a quality meat store. I started buying beef jerky at Celestino's on 17th street. Its a little more expensive, but I think definitely worth it. I don't go through it all that fast, so it lasts a while.

5. Larabars: These are the most Paleo snack bar that I have found... found at most any grocery store. They are just nuts and fruit mashed together. Perhaps a little higher in sugar due to the dried fruit, but natural, tasty, and very easy to grab on the go. All of the ones I've tried have been good.

This is all I can think of right now. Mostly I snack on nuts and veggies or an apple. I think its good to get a mix of protein, carb and fat... so I try to keep that in mind. The key is just to keep your fridge stocked with these things, so that when your tummy starts talking, you don't reach for the Cheez-Its (which can sit on your shelf for a good long while before going bad). So throw out the junk and eat some real food!

give me grace.

Today's workout was called "Grace". Its 30 clean and jerks at 95 pounds for women, 135 for men. I really really wanted to do this workout at the prescribed weight. I stared out at 95, did 3 reps, then tried several more and just couldn't get the weight over my head... or more accurately, I wasn't getting myself under the weight. So, I took off 5 measly pounds and was able to finish the workout at 90 pounds in 13:16. This is quite slow, and I was the last one to finish (by quite a bit).

Although I was a little disappointed that I couldn't do the workout prescribed, and my form was pretty ugly, it felt good to go so heavy. I would have never imagined myself moving so much weight over my head a year ago... even 6 months ago. I know I am gaining strength, but also confidence and mental toughness. The highlight of this workout though was the encouragement that I got from my CrossFit Costa Mesa friends who stuck around to watch me finish and cheer me on. I feel so blessed by this community. Next month, our gym is participating in an event called Amazing Grace to raise money for breast cancer, where our gym will do the Grace workout again. I plan on doing it at 95 pounds and beating my time!!

photo: me and my "field mouse" face (taken by c. worden)

Recipes...as promised!

Hey all, with all of my food posts (yes, I like food :), a few of you have asked me for recipes. Now I cannot take full credit for all of these, but I am happy to share them with you and I will include the blogs or whatever that I got them from. I thought what I might do is list some of my typical breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack and dessert foods... so you get a better idea of all of the yummy things that this "paleo diet" does include.

I pretty much eat one of these three things for breakfast:
1. Smoothie Bowl (my creative name for it): banana, frozen mangoes, frozen mixed berries (just the fruit, no added sugar... I shop mostly at Trader Joe's), and almond milk (not 100% paleo, but good enough for me). Blend in a blender, pour into a bowl, throw some sliced strawberries, peaches, blueberries... whatever fruit you have, and nuts (I really like pecans)... and you're set! Eat with a spoon. So good!
2. Eggs: usually 2-3 fried. I like to pop the yolk. A little salt and pepper. Put sliced avocado, tomato, and fresh basil if you have it... sometimes I put sliced ham on top too. By the way, eggs from the farmer's market are the best... really, they taste better.
3. Paleo Pancakes: mash 1 banana in a bowl, then add 2-3 eggs, and a little almond milk if you have it, add almond flour, coconut flour... or a combo of the two until you get a batter like consistency, then add cinnamon to taste and perhaps a dash of vanilla extract. mix it all together and pour into a hot skillet. Use coconut oil if you have it, otherwise PAM works fine. I like to keep them on the smaller side, then cut up some berries to put on top. Also good with nut butter or nuts on top and maybe drizzle a little honey. This is more of a weekend breakfast for me.

On to Lunch:
1. Bell Pepper Sammies (all credit goes to Chris Worden for this one): Slice a bell pepper in half, and stuff it with all your favorite sandwich stuff... i put cherry tomatoes, red onion, avocado, sometimes cucumber if i have it, sliced turkey and/or ham, yellow mustard, ground pepper, and top with lettuce.
2. Big Tuna: 1 can tuna packed in olive oil, drained. Add some chopped red onion and green olives... maybe 3-4 of 'em (stuffed with garlic is good), lemon juice and ground pepper. I also pour some of the juice from the olives into the tuna to make it a little moister (I got this one from Paleo Plan). Good by itself or on lettuce.... or in a bell pepper sammy, rather than the meat!
3. Salad: okay, I make a lot of random salads, so I'm just going to list my favorite toppings and I've probably made all possible combinations with these:
lettuce: i usually mix baby spinach with mixed romaine.
proteins: salmon (usually when its leftover), Big Tuna (above ;), roasted turkey and/or pepper salami (both Columbus brand at TJ's), or ham (I like the Neiman Ranch mini hams at TJ's... just slice some off and cube it to throw on top). Hard boiled eggs are good too, but I rarely make them even though they're easy. Oh... bacon too! (bacon, egg, turkey combo makes for a good cobb salad!)
veggies: red onion, cucumber, celery, cherry tomatoes
other toppings: avocado (a must on ALL salads... and pretty much anything else), nuts (I like sliced almonds or walnuts best), golden raisins, sweet potato (a little strange, but so good... poke it with a fork and microwave til kinda soft, then cube it and throw it on your salad... trust me!)
dressing: my most favorite is olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and lemon juice... I don't measure, I just drizzle all on top. Sometimes I also squeeze a little dijon mustard on top... very good on the cobb type salad. Plus ground black pepper.
Really, you can't go wrong combining any or all of these toppings with whatever protein... even if it seems strange.

wow... that was long. I think I'm going to have to stop there and continue with dinner on a different post, because this is already overwhelming, even for me. In the meantime, try some of these out and let me know if you have any questions, recommendations, or... anything really!

Tequila!

Now that I have your attention, this blog post isn't really about Tequila. Its about my guitar lessons. Strange connection, I know. I will explain. So a couple months ago, my fabulous friend, Liz, mentioned that she wanted to learn how to play the guitar. I got the contact info for a teacher from my friend, Jared, which I passed on to Liz. I mentioned to her that I would be interested too, seeing as I've had a guitar since high school, and still pretty much suck. Anyway, Liz and I finally worked out a time and started taking our weekly half hour guitar lessons with Tim, who is super cool by the way. He has the same shoes as Jeff, which is besides the point, but I always notice them.

So for our first lesson, Tim gave Liz and I some tablature to practice. If you don't know what this is, you're not alone... but its basically pressing one string down at a time and strumming just that string... I think. I'm not good at it, even though that description sounded really easy. Our first song was Tequila (thus the title of this blog post)... however, Liz and I were so slow that it was nearly impossible to make out that we were even playing a song... so when we would finish, we'd just yell out "Tequila!"... that way there was no confusion. We would be rockstars in no time.

So my hope for these little lessons with Liz was that they would motivate me to practice during the week. Yeah... no. The last two weeks, the only practicing I did was 20 minutes before heading out the door for the lesson. Tim has fired us like 4 times already, but he was late last week, so I think we're even.

This past Tuesday, I kind of mentioned that I wasn't so sure I would continue with my lessons, since practicing is clearly not so high on my priority list. If it was, I would be doing it. I want to play the guitar well, but I don't really want to practice. I thought about CrossFit and how I want to be stronger and faster, and I do want to practice. I enjoy it, even when I suck. I don't feel the same way about my guitar. So when I broke the news, Liz looked totally bummed and Tim started crying... no, not really. But they were like, "You're breaking up with us?!" I feel terrible. We have one lesson left before I have to decide. Sadly, I'm thinking I'm going to have to postpone becoming a rockstar. Liz. Tim. Its not you, Its me.

Photo: Liz and me at the CrossFit games.

wish i would have given a little more.

So today I went into the gym for my workout feeling pretty good and excited to be there. I really enjoy my workouts at CrossFit and I am especially anxious to get better at my lifting. I've been watching a lot of videos lately on olympic lifting, so when I get ready to actually do one in the gym, I can see in my head what it is supposed to look like. I only wish my body knew what the heck it was doing. Today, I picked up the bar to do a snatch and proceeded to lose my balance and fall on my butt. Very cool. However, not my first time and probably not my last.

Anyway, onto the workout. I am starting to think my coach, Steve, knows my capabilities more than I do. Maybe this isn't a surprise? I mean, he is the best (Steve, I hope you read that :) I frequently think that I can do more than what he plans for me, however when the workout gets going, I quickly realize how dumb I was for asking "that's it? are you sure?", and I'm thankful that he laughs and doesn't give me a taste of my own medicine. On the other hand, he often knows I am capable of more than what I think (as I tend to be a tad hard on myself), which I am also thankful for.

So... my workout today consisted of 2 minutes of cleans with an awkward 40lb sandbag followed by 10 snatches ... 3 times with rest, then 2 minutes of double unders followed by 10 back squats...3 times with rest. For whatever reason, I am kind of frustrated about my performance. Though I felt ready, I don't think I really was ready... I didn't feel like I was pushing myself as hard as I could have and so now I feel kind of lame. It was definitely really hard and I got pretty darn sweaty doing it, but I guess I just don't feel like it was good enough... like my mind wasn't in it or something. Part of me thinks it was my lack of technique and confidence with the snatch that slowed me down, not to mention, I can't quite string my double unders together, so they were always interrupted and slow. Even still, I couldn't make myself go any faster on my cleans or back squats... I just couldn't motivate myself to move today. Frustrating.

That's all really. I guess I just needed to write it out. Back at it tomorrow.

p.s. Jeff got a ring muscle up today! what a stud.

photo: me... not getting my f-ing elbows up & Steve, bearing brunt of it.

Eating Good Stuff

Tonight I went to a seminar given by Mark Sisson, author of "The Primal Blueprint" and several other books, but better known to me as the "Mark's Daily Apple" guy. I was going to blog about all of the benefits of eating a Paleo diet... or as Mark likes to call it, "Primal Eating", but I am really not good retelling information that I learn. It makes sense in my head, but when it comes out of my mouth its like... processed food... bleh!

The seminar did further solidify for me why cutting grains (especially) from my diet is a good thing... deep, I know. As you probably know, I'm not at all a sciency person, so I won't even try to explain that side of it to you. I am a feely person though, so what I will tell you is that over the past five months of eating Paleo, I feel so much better than I have ever felt... at least that I can remember, not to mention I am stronger and faster in my workouts.

The funny thing is that it really is pretty effortless. I don't worry any more about how much or when I'm eating, as long as its meat, fish, veggies, nuts, seeds, or fruit, I'm good to go! So I guess that is all I am going to say... except that I highly recommend you check out Mark's books or his blog and explore the thought of cutting grains from your diet... even if its just a 30 day experiment... see how you feel. That is how I started, and I really can't imagine going back. If you want to know more about my experience of eating this way or have questions, please don't hesitate to ask me :)

Also, check out this little news clip with Mark Sisson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z91yWqXYztM&feature=player_embedded

thoughts.

This morning, my mom (who is in town for the weekend) let me leave her for a few hours so that I could go to the NLP CrossFit competition in Irvine. Really, she was okay with it. We had 3 guys and 1 girl from our gym competing, and I didn't want to miss the opportunity to cheer them on. I love these competitions, especially when I know people doing the workouts. It was especially encouraging to watch Carrie today. She placed first overall in her first workout. Carrie is bad ass, and I know she has worked really hard to get to the point she's at.

I feel like I watched the workouts and the athletes a little differently today. I guess this is because I have never before put myself in their shoes... you know, envisioned myself being out there. Competition makes me nervous... with those awful waves of nausea (normal... I know... I think). I actually had them today... all day... and I wasn't even doing anything. But, combined with with my nervousness, there was excitement. It feels good to have a goal to be working toward... and for it not to be another marathon (training = slightly uninteresting). I always seem to do better given a little direction, otherwise I get distracted or unmotivated or just bored.

Today I really wanted to lift heavy stuff... which is not all that heavy (yet)... and the point being, I realized how much I love CrossFit because everything in me wanted to overhead squat (and I don't even like overhead squats). I realized I dont just love it because its cool and fun and my friends do it, but because its changed my life and is constantly changing the way I see and feel about myself. I love it because it forces me into those dark and uncomfortable places that I wouldn't otherwise go to, and then brings me out a little tougher.

Still though, that small but evil voice in my head is telling me I'm dreaming too big. I should take it down a notch. I'm getting too far ahead of myself. I hate that voice. I hate it because 99% of me is tempted to believe it.

The whole puzzle is intimidating... but one piece at a time is definitely doable. So I'm trying to remind myself of that. Good analogy, huh? Anyway, these are my thoughts... with only a little filtering.

What's with today, today?

I am tired today. My body is achy from my workouts the last few days and I am sleepy from going to bed too late and waking up too early. Tonight Jeff went to the OC Fair with some friends, but I just couldn't muster the energy to brave the crowds... even though this means missing chocolate covered bacon, deep fried butter, and pig races. Instead I cooked myself some salmon for dinner and have been lying on my couch with an ice pack on my knee (a result of last week's fall while running... smooth, i know), reading CrossFit articles and listening to my new favorite album on repeat (check it out).

I feel myself just going through the motions at the Y lately... maybe its because my position is new and I dont quite know where to start. Mostly though, I think its that I am so much more excited about CrossFit. I just love being there. I love the people, the atmosphere, the intensity. I struggle sometimes with training people at the Y. Even though I try to bring in the knowledge I have gained from CrossFit, it is often not what people want. They want to get in better shape, but don't really want to work for it. Maybe they don't want to get in better shape... maybe they just want to hang out with me? They're mostly old though, so I guess that's okay, so long as they move a little bit!

Have I mentioned that I have confidence issues? (Weird transition of thought, I know... but that's me). Hey, I have confidence issues. There I said it. No, not in all things. I mean, when I get comfortable with someone, I get comfortable... just ask Jeff. I think its mostly in my abilities... in school I never thought I was smart enough, in jobs I don't think I am qualified enough, in the gym I don't think I am capable or strong enough, in my relationship with God I don't think I am good enough. I'm afraid of failure and of letting other people down, so I play it safe. I talk myself down. I bail when things get tough or when the end result is unclear. I distance myself. Why? I don't know. Why is it so much easier to see the potential or success in others? I believe in other people way more than I believe in myself. I like that I can be an encourager in this way... I just wish I could be as kind to myself. Hmmm. On a positive note, I am so lucky to have people in my life that see in me what I don't always see in myself and push me to be a better and more confident person.

Anyway, random thoughts. This is what happens when I let Jeff go to the fair and leave me at home alone with my wandering mind. Maybe I'll watch 'So You Think You Can Dance' now.

love these girls...

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one." -C.S. Lewis

This week I got to spend a good amount of quality time with some of the girl friends in my life. Three of my closest college girlfriends came to Costa Mesa for lunch at my house on Thursday. It is always so good to catch up with these girls who know so much about me... the good, the bad, the goofy... and still love me. We are in pretty different places in life, but when we are together, it is safe and comforting. I know that I can always count on them to listen and to pray for me. I did miss one though, who doesn't live close enough to drive here for lunch, but who is never far from my thoughts. On Friday, I went shopping with Alison. I met Al only a year ago and I am so thankful for our instant friendship. I can't even imagine my life in Costa Mesa without her in it. It is such a blessing to have someone to go through the day to day with... and to get sloshed with ;) I also hung out with some of the CrossFit Costa Mesa girls... these girls have become my community, especially over the past several months as we have started doing more things together. We talk about our workouts and new paleo recipes we've tried, and we laugh a lot. My life without these girls would be slightly less interesting and slightly more lonely. And of course there is Pi, whom I didn't really get to choose as a girlfriend... but if we weren't sisters, she would be that cool girl that I always wanted to like me, so I really lucked out there. All this to say, it was a good week... because of all of the incredible, beautiful, inspiring ladies in my life. I love you girls.

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though she knows that you are slightly cracked."

Lately...

Jeff and I find it funny lately to say, "Remember when we went to Europe?" It feels like a dream... but the hundreds of photos on our computer remind me that it wasn't. Things have changed a bit in the last couple of months since returning home... or at least it feels this way. I started a new position at the Y as the coordinator of a program for diabetics. When I said "yes" to being the contact person for this program almost a year ago, I had little idea of what it would look like, and its turning out to be a much bigger thing than I anticipated. It is exciting though to be challenged in my job and to be able to be a part of helping people get healthy. I am realizing that I have a lot to learn about... well, everything.

I also started coaching at CrossFit Costa Mesa... something I honestly did not think I would do for a couple of reasons... one being my fear of losing my love for CrossFit by making it my work, and two, that I felt unqualified and I suppose just not good enough at it myself to teach others. After a couple months of coaching one night a week and helping out with our on-boarding class, I can see that there is more to coaching that just knowing a lot of stuff... though this would definitely be nice! I am learning a lot as I go and gaining confidence thanks to the guys who have coached me over the last year and a half and who continue to challenge me and push me to be better. I feel blessed to be able to work someplace that I love. And while on the subject of CrossFit, Jeff recently joined the cult and is doing absolutely amazing... I'm pretty sure he loves it.

I guess there is not much else to report... though it feels like we have been so busy lately and have something going on every weekend in August. Since its late and I'm getting up early, I suppose I'll end with a quote... because that just seems appropriate, and easy.

"The real tragedy is the tragedy of the man who never in his life braces himself for his one supreme effort, who never stretches to his full capacity, never stands up to his full stature." -Arnold Bennett

CrossFit... its about time that I blog about it

Probably anyone who cares about reading my blog knows that I do CrossFit, as I have maybe become a bit obsessed. My first post about it was over a year ago when I was still very much a newbie. You can look back at it here if you like. A lot has changed since that post, both with me and with CrossFit Costa Mesa where I work out. When I started, we met in Alec's garage and there were only two class times a day, 6 or 7 pm, two trainers, and one rowing machine. Last summer we moved into a large warehouse and are now up to six classes a day, several more trainers, and six rowers, and there are new people coming in every week. It has been really incredible to watch it grow and even more incredible to see more lives transformed with increases in strength, endurance, mental toughness and confidence across the board. It is motivating, inspiring, and fun.

I have changed a lot too. I was instantly fascinated by CrossFit and felt at home in the CF Costa Mesa community. I would show up each time with butterflies in my stomach, anticipating what the workout would be and wondering if I would make it, but ready to push myself hard... harder than I ever had in my gym workouts or running. I remember my CrossFit beginnings clearly... doing jumping pull-ups (more of a jump than a pull-up), getting awkwardly slammed in the face with the medicine ball while trying to do "wall balls", being afraid to push press a 45 pound bar over my head, not knowing what a clean or a snatch or a thruster were. It has taken time and practice and lots of sweat, but I recently started doing real pull-ups, I've pressed way more than 45 pounds over my head, I have learned better technique and form for the various lifts and movements, and with all of it more confidence and the knowledge that I capable of so much more than I ever would have thought. I know that I will finish each workout, even if it is painful and takes me longer than I think it should. (Note: I do still get hit in the face with the med ball from time to time :)

Not only have my workouts changed, but also the way I eat, and most importantly the way I feel about my body. The CrossFit community really leans toward what has come to be called the Paleo Diet, which I wrote about a couple months ago (read here). I was pretty hesitant to try it given my aversion to "diets" and past struggles with food, body image, etc. However, I found that eating real, not processed foods... mostly grass-fed meat, fish, lots of veggies, fruit and nuts... made me feel really good. It makes sense to me to eat this way, and to my surprise, did not feel restricting at all. I eat when I'm hungry and I don't think twice about calories or fat. The biggest, and to me the most important change that CrossFit has brought to my life is feeling comfortable in my skin. For a long time I did a lot of hating on myself, constantly wishing I looked like someone else, doing the comparison thing, wishing I were more disciplined with my workouts. It was miserable. I had few goals and little motivation. I came to CrossFit Costa Mesa just after a pretty low point in my life. My focus shifted from exercising primarily to look good, to exercising to get faster and stronger and meet new goals. It was so much more rewarding and fun, and my attitude toward myself has totally changed and I am way happier. I don't think its even possible for me to go back to where I was before CrossFit.

So this week I am home after nearly three weeks of trotting all over Europe, while eating lots of gelato, with the love of my life... and I am back at the gym. Although it is no surprise to me, going back felt a little different... like I lost so much and now have to catch up. I also found myself struggling a bit more with my thoughts after the time away... wondering why I can't lift as much or go as fast as some of the other girls, or why my progress seems slower than others. But as I have been thinking more about it, I realize that its not about being better than anyone else. Its about me just being better for me... pushing harder, lifting more and moving faster than the time before, and striving for new goals for myself. The reality is, there is always going to be someone who is better, and all I can do is work as hard as I can to try to catch them; and that is enough for me. If CrossFit has taught me anything, it is not to give up. So despite my aching body and a little self-esteem dip, it feels really good to be back in the gym, sweating alongside my CrossFit friends. Light weight!

Euro Adventure... in photos (and a few words)

After a long day of traveling (and a very turbulent plane ride) we made it to London! This is us on our first day.

Here is the London Eye. We really liked London and did a lot while we were there... some highlights were Windsor Castle, Borough Market, walking around Notting Hill... and spending time with the whole family.

I even managed to get a CrossFit workout in at Greenwich Park with Thames CrossFit. Really nice people, lots of fun and soreness.

Next stop Amsterdam... a photo with the Schuil Fam. We did lots of walking around this city, went to the Van Gogh museum and the Heineken museum, took a canal boat tour, and more that I can't remember right now.

I even found succulents in Amsterdam... in cute little Dutch clogs!

Gimmelwald, Switzerland... imagine the sound of cow bells, incredible mountains, and the freshest air.

It was beautiful (and a bit cold). Jeff and I hiked for the day we were there. It was nice to be out of the city.

Cinque Terre, Italy. Loved it! We hiked from the first town to the fourth. Everything looked like this. And it was finally warm!

I loved Florence. We did a lot of walking around the city, saw the statue of David (much more impressive in person), and ate some yummy food. This was a night shot that I took on a late night walk around the city.

Our second day in Florence, we went on a small group bike ride through the Tuscan country side and had lunch at a winery... probably one of my favorite days. This is Jack in the back of our guide's bike.

Rome. Jeff loved the Colosseum and all the ruins. We did a lot of walking.

I loved the Gelato. This was taken on my 27th B-day outside of Giolitti's.

Our last stop was Paris. It was beautiful. We went to a couple museums, Versailles, top of the Eiffel Tower... and many other Rick Steve's picks that took us all over the city. It was lots of fun.

We were so lucky to be able spend time with my college friend, Andrea and her boyfriend Jean. We stayed in his house just outside of Paris for the time that we were there. They were incredible hosts and we were very thankful.

It was really hard to pick just a few photos to post, but hopefully it gives a good idea of where we were and what we did. The trip almost feels like a dream now... only a few days after being home. I am so thankful that we got this opportunity to go and travel together... it will likely be a long time before we can do something like this again!