just another day.

No deep thoughts planned for this post. Its just been a while and I feel the need to remind people that I'm still here... still kickin'. I felt generally happy this morning when I walked into the gym. I expected a long, painful IWT (interval weight training), but instead my workout was relatively short: 150m on the Versaclimber followed by 10 burpee pull-ups, about 90 seconds of rest, 5 times. This was my first real experience on the Versa. It is, as the name states, a climbing machine... you stand on pedals and hold onto handles, and move your arms and legs up and down in a climbing motion. Simple, but not easy... as we often like to say in CrossFit. One of my PT clients kindly loaned this contraption to our gym for an indefinite amount of time. I thanked her at the time... but now I'm not so sure I'm thankful. It's hard and awkward, and apparently I was doing it incorrectly. The hips are supposed to be still, but mine were not. Sassy hips :)

Following this workout, I did a 1 rep max Press. I wanted to hit 73#, as I swear I have done once before and feel strongly that I should be able to do, but could only get to 70#... a sad number... and it made me sad. I had to take a little time to just sit and breathe. Old thoughts and habits have been coming back lately and I am being extra hard on myself, which never helps. Maybe more on that another day. I finished the morning off with some practice on my free standing handstands. I'm glad I did, because this was fun. I've been afraid to try them and fall on my head or my back. I started by kicking up to the wall and then trying to hold my feet a few inches off the wall. Then I pulled out a big mat and practiced on the mat for a while. Failing was important for me on this one. I needed to know that its not so painful to fall over. I was able to hold myself up for a second or two a few times, which was a significant accomplishment for the day. I'll take it.

in time...

I am reading through a book that I love for the second time with a group of girls, called Found Art. In the intro, the author speaks about life being like a collage of experiences. I like this image because I have always liked collages. I used to make them out of photos and magazine clippings. I would hang them on my wall or give them to my friends. The idea is that our experiences... both good and bad, when pieced together, become something amazing and beautiful.

It always surprises me when I arrive at a place where I can look back on the difficult things in my life, and see how they have brought me to where I am today. Some things that were really crappy at the time have made me stronger, or helped me to relate to others in a unique way, or have caused me to change for the better, or steered me in a different direction. I am fully aware that my collage is not yet finished, that I will likely have many more difficult things to deal with and hard decisions to make, and that past struggles can always creep back in. There are also many sweet things yet to be experienced. But I like this idea that all of these random pieces together are making a complete picture of me... that there is some sort of method to the madness.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11.

The author of the book asks, "Which of these 28 seasons particularly resonates with you today? Why?"

Of course this is challenging for me because there are too many options and as you know, I have a hard time making decisions. I want to pick a few of these, but I'm going to say that for me, this is a time to build. I feel like I am in a pretty secure place right now and for this I am so grateful. In some ways, I feel as though I have just started something and each day I am building on that. I am being challenged and learning and just plain thinking more. However, there are some tools and materials I am not using as much of in my building that would probably make things go a little smoother and look a little better. This may seem somewhat cryptic, but I hope that I am able to let go of some of the expectations, shame, and fears that keep me from using these other things, which will help me to build something more solid and beautiful.

"... but if we will enter the frightening place--if we will engage in the context of this new culture--we will see that there was no shortcut to transformation." -Leanna Tankersley

loving truly.

Not trying to be a downer here, but I had kind of a "blah day". I hate days like this... especially when nothing is really wrong. I just feel blah... unmotivated, uncomfortable in my skin, tired, grumpy... and that's not me. Last week I was so busy and didn't have a whole lot of time to sit, think, pray... whatever. I guess this is why I am writing this. It helps me to focus my mind without having to be still... it feels more productive somehow. Why is sitting still so hard for me?

In an effort to feel better, I guess, I read today's reading from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers... something I try to do most days, but am not always successful. There was one line that really stuck out to me. It was this: "True love never simply declares itself." I thought about how easy it is for me to declare my love for someone or something... but how much more difficult it is to follow my words up with action. Action is the hard part, and its easy to justify and get lazy... especially when I am in a routine. I can easily tell Jeff that I love him, but not make an extra effort to spend quality time with him or go out of my way to surprise him. I can easily say that I love God, but not make time to pray or even acknowledge that he is with me always. I can easily say that I love my CrossFit training, but not do more of what I know it takes to be better at it... like eat right and ice my achy shoulders. I know without a doubt that I love Jeff and God and CrossFit... and many other people and things of course, but I am afraid that if all I do is simply say the words or go through the motions, that at some point, it won't be enough. It won't be enough for them, and it won't be enough for me.

"True love never simply declares itself." It does more than just say it. There has to be action. Love requires sacrifice. Sometimes its easy and sometimes its really hard. But if that person or thing is really worth it, well then, you do what you gotta do. I guess that is pretty much as far as I got. Nothing profound. Pretty obvious. I do feel a little less blah though. So tomorrow I am going to try to love more truly.

photo note: I love my succulents... and I love that they do not require much action. They are growing like crazy right now :)

Early Morning Ramblings.

In my opinion, one should be able to sleep in on a Saturday morning. However, I have had two restless nights in a row. This morning I woke up at 4:45am and despite my best efforts, I could not go back to sleep. It could be that I have a lot on my mind, except that I don't really... at least nothing stressful. It could be that my body is achy and I just couldn't seem to get comfortable. It could be that Jeff was breathing extra loud the past couple of nights, or maybe I only noticed because I was half awake. Regardless, here I am blogging when I should be sleeping, and to tell you the truth, I am kind of thankful for this time to just sit and think.

For a short week, this one was very full. I don't feel like I got much down time, which is actually pretty good for me since it can be especially easy for me to get lazy when I have too much time on my hands. In my CrossFit training, Steve had me do three workouts a day this week... something that sounded easier to me than it was. And as usual I learned (and relearned) a few things. On Wednesday and Friday I did the group workout twice... once in the morning and once in the evening with another workout in between. Let me just say that a few hours is not enough time to forget the pain of a workout! Looking back though, it was kind of cool to be able to get a second chance to do better. In the time between the workouts, I was able to think and strategize about how I could improve, as the workout was very fresh in my mind. I knew the points where I would want to slow down and the movements that I could speed up on. Despite being tired from my first two workouts of the day, I managed to dig deep and improved my times. I was especially pleased with yesterday's workout because the second time I did it, there was no one there to push me, no one to compete against. Just me. I fought for each rep and told myself to keep moving. My time reflected my attitude and finishing with a good time was the best reward. If I had to do the same workout twice every day, I'm pretty sure I would hate life, but this week I am thankful for second chances.

On another note, something I had to relearn was that I'm not going to get a PR every time I do a max lift. Call me crazy, but if I was able to snatch 85 pounds two weeks ago, I should be able to do it again right?! This week I was struggling to get 79 pounds, and after maybe 20 attempts and a little cussing at the bar, I finally had to stop. Something a friend told me a while back, that has really stuck with me, is this: "No athlete is 100% all the time. There are good and bad days. The important thing is to recognize when you are having a good day and push it; and when you are having a bad day, understand, and push through it." Having a bad day or not hitting a PR does not mean that I'm a failure. Bad days are inevitable... in the gym, at work, in life. The key is to not let the frustration overtake you and give up, have a little grace with yourself, and do the best you can for that day. Learn and keep on moving forward.

photo: sunrise run this week... took this on my sweet new iphone!!

Running. Don't be a hater!

Hey guys. I just got in from a great run on this perfect 70 degree day in Orange County. If you don't live here, my apologies. While running, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I love to run, and I decided that I wanted to write this post about it. I hear from people all the time: "I hate running!" Let me say this, I hated brussel sprouts until I tried them. And perhaps more relevant, I hated swimming until I practiced it. I hated it because it was hard for me, I wasn't good at it, and I didn't want to take the time to work on it. I'm serious. It wasn't until an injury that kept me from running, that I finally sucked it up, got in the pool a few days a week, and learned how to swim. One year later, I like swimming and even did a triathlon.

Now, if you have no interest in being a runner, then by all means keep hating it. However, if you want to be a runner, you have to stop hating and talking about how much you suck at running, and just do it. My guess is, half of your problem is in your head. Let me tell you a story. A few years ago, my sister Piper and I signed up for a half marathon together. She hated running, really hated it, but wanted to be better and needed a little motivation. We would meet up regularly and run for as long as she could, and then walk until she felt like she could run again. At first we would run maybe 5 minutes and then walk the rest, then we got up to 10 minutes, then 20. On race day, I kid you not, Piper ran the first 6 miles of the race without stopping. I must have asked her 50 times... "Are you ok?! Do you need to walk?", and she would reply "I'm good! Lindsay... I'm fine!" She now enjoys running and does it regularly along with CrossFit (of course!).

So, let me ask you... do you want to be a runner? If your response is "Yes!", then this is my challenge to you: in the next week, RUN. I honestly don't care how fast or how far you go... just do it. If its to the end of your block, that's fine. If it helps you to listen to music, by all means, crank it up!

Before you head out, let me give you a couple of tips:

1. Let go of any expectations you may have of yourself. Put one foot in front of the other and just go.

2. Breathe. Start at a slow pace. Let your body get into a rhythm. Inhale and exhale.

3. Relax. I often see runners clench their fists and let their arms creep up by their chest. Your fingers should be loose and your hands should be down by your hips, like you are going to put them in your pockets.

4. Listen to your body. If you are gasping for air or your knee is killing you, slow down or walk for a bit... and don't beat yourself up about it. Remember... let go of expectations.

5. Enjoy it. Try to run outside, not on a treadmill. Look around you. Take in the sights and smells. I often like to let my mind go when I run. Sometimes I'm thinking about something specific, sometimes I think about nothing at all.

If your response to my question is "No. I don't want to be a runner", then this is my challenge to you: try it anyway. God gave you legs, and some day you may have to move them faster than walking pace, so give it a try. (Mom, you too. Your knees will be fine.) Again, it doesn't have to be far. Simply see what it feels like. It may not be as bad as you think.

Lastly, I would love to hear how it goes. So, if you take my challenge, email me. Call me. Leave a comment. Tell me in person. Where did you run? How did it feel? Was it as bad as you thought it would be? And, if you live in Orange County and would like to meet up with other runners or wannabe runners, a group of us is going to get together in two Sundays (February 13th). I am thinking we will meet at my house around 9am, warm up together and go for a run along Back Bay. There will be a longer distance and a shorter one. And as your reward, I'll cook you breakfast afterward. Now that is a good deal! Details will be posted at www.crossfitcostamesa.com, so stay tuned. Happy running!

"My time on this earth is limited. My actions don’t have to be. The opportunities are as wide and as open as I want them to be. The only limiting factor is my mind. Only I can defeat me." -CrossFit Lisbeth

recap.

I think its time for a little update. 2011 is off to somewhat of a strange start for me. Last year, I remember feeling very motivated and I had this long list of goals in mind for the year ahead. I haven't really come up with any goals yet for this year. Of course I have goals... but so far I'm just taking things one day at a time. I like it this way for now. I like my old people at the Y, and my daily CrossFit workouts, and dinners with friends, and watching Dexter with Jeff. I especially like 75 degrees in January. Life is good.

Last weekend was the OC Throwdown... my second official CrossFit competition. I am happy to say that it went really well and I had a lot of fun. I felt much better going into this competition than the last one. I also really enjoyed having so many other friends from the gym competing... I think there were 9 of us, so there was always someone to cheer on... making it way more exciting. The event was really well organized and I thought the workouts were all quite creative, with nothing too crazy. I ended up finishing in 8th place out of 25 or so intermediate women. I am proud of how I did, but definitely feel motivated to up my game a bit and try for top 5 or 3 next time around. It was fun to be there this year and to think back on the same event last year. It was the first competition I had gone to watch, and I remember thinking... there is no way I will do this! At the time, I couldn't do one pull up... or a bunch of other stuff that I don't think twice about now. I have come so far in the last year... physically and mentally.

Probably my favorite part of the weekend was the final workout... not for me, because I didn't particularly like 30 heavy thrusters, but I really loved seeing Carrie finish first and watching Kris charge around the corner at the end of his run. Even now, it makes me tear up a bit. I love how CrossFit changes people, how it inspires hope and second chances. I know how hard Carrie works and pushes herself, and for her to to finish the way she did was just right. Kris, on the other hand, is pretty new to CrossFit, but naturally good at it and humble about it. I love that he is at the beginning of his journey and watching him finish made me so excited for what is to come from him and from so many other people who are new to CrossFit. So I guess thats it on the Throwdown recap.

In other exciting news, my new Nike's finally came in the mail this week! People keep asking me what is so special about them. Nothing. They are exactly the same style as my old ones... BUT this particular style is no longer sold in stores and so I had to special order them from the Nike website. Yes, they cost more because I got to pick out my own colors and have words stitched into the sides... which really, it would have been easier if I didn't have to do all of this, considering how bad I am at decision making. That said, they are here. They fit. And, they smell way better than my old ones.

my heart.

So one of my goals for 2010 was to read six books. I almost did it. I have about 20 pages left in my sixth book. Its The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, and I do actually love this one. Maybe I just wanted to savor it. Maybe it was meant to be that I read these final pages this week. There is all this dialogue about listening to your heart and pursuing your dreams and not being afraid. These are things I have been thinking a lot about the past couple of weeks. Who am I? What are the desires of my heart? What is important to me? What am I willing to sacrifice? I especially love this part of the book... it is a conversation between the boy and the alchemist:

"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."

"... When I have been truly searching for my treasure, I've discovered things along the way that I never would have seen had I not had the courage to try things that seemed impossible for a shepherd to achieve."

This could not be any more true. It applies to a few areas of my life, but this week mostly I am reading it with CrossFit in mind. If its not already obvious from previous blog entries, I love CrossFit... where its taken me, how its healed parts of me and challenged me physically, mentally, spiritually. This has been especially apparent the past few months since deciding to train more seriously for competitions, and being forced to face many of my fears and insecurities. Much like the boy in the story, I feel like I am discovering things that I never would have seen had I not tried what I thought I could not do.

Some things have changed recently, but my heart still wants what it wanted before. I'm not even sure exactly what that is, but I just feel like I'm not finished yet. My mind has been bouncing around between what I should do and what I want to do and what other people think I should do. It has been hard and a little lonely. I know I am supported and loved, but I want so much to feel peace for myself. To know without a doubt that I am in the right place, that I am following my heart in search of my dreams. As the Alchemist says, "When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it." I am hoping this is true.