thankful... part 4

I am thankful for my body.

When I was younger I don't remember thinking about my body much. I don't remember wondering how many calories were in a slice of pizza before I ate it, or checking the side of a box of crackers or cereal to see evaluate the nutritional information and decide whether or not it was "worth it." In high school I became a little bit more aware of my body, started comparing myself to other girls around me, but still felt pretty comfortable in my skin and ate what I wanted. I was active because it was fun not because I wanted to burn calories. That never would have crossed my mind.

My sophomore year at Westmont was a hard one for me... "sophomore slump" was a bit of an understatement. I had a full load of difficult classes, roommate drama, and the sinking feeling that I didn't fit in and that I wasn't really very good at anything. So I started to run. First a couple miles here and there with a friend, then more miles on my own. I would often work out twice a day, and started eating less. The soft serve machine that had previously been my favorite part of meal time in the DC became something that was off limits. I noticed my body changing and it felt good to be in control, to be good at something. A few months of this and my once healthy body was somewhere around 105 pounds. Unlike many girls with eating disorders, I didn't look in the mirror and think I was fat. I knew full well that I was too thin and that my behavior was unhealthy, but I felt stuck and consumed. After a few months, I somehow managed to get back to a healthy weight, but the diet mentality stayed with me.

Just over a year ago, I hit rock bottom. My weight was always going up and down, and with it my emotions. Though I appeared heathy and happy to most, I was still putting my identity in my outward appearance. When I didn't feel that I looked good on the outside, I was miserable. I had pursued personal training as a career so that I could be a help and encouragement to others struggling with poor body image, but instead I felt pressure to look and be a certain way. I felt like a hypocrite... certainly no more motivated to work out, if anything less. Rather than exercise, I would eat. My jeans were all too tight. I felt guilt and shame and loneliness. At my lowest point, I was invited to attend a weekend women's retreat. The topic was "surrender". Surrendering being something you do when you have no other options... and I felt I had no other option but to give up. By give up, I don't mean quit, but let go of my need for control and perfection.

Following my retreat, I sought out counseling. My feelings were validated and I was given tools to combat the lies that I had become captive to. I read a book called "Intuitive Eating" and from it learned to listen to my body... eat when I am hungry, stop when I am satisfied. Nothing is off limits. If I wanted a cookie, I could eat a cookie. If I didn't, it would probably be there tomorrow and I could make the choice again. So simple, yet so brilliant. I got rid of our scale (actually it is in Jeff's closet somewhere), because I didn't need it. I didn't want a number to tell me if I was doing good or bad anymore. I met another girl who was struggling in the same way, and we would (and still do) meet to talk honestly about how we are doing and offer encouragement and support to one another. I began running again for the enjoyment of it, and started working out at CrossFit Costa Mesa, where the emphasis was not on weight loss but on challenging my mind and body to push harder and longer than I thought possible.

I don't know as I will ever experience complete freedom from this whole "body image issue". I will likely never go back to eating pizza or ice cream without wondering whether its going to my thighs or my stomach or my ass. But I know without a doubt that I am moving toward freedom, and I am learning to have a little more grace, and appreciate this body that I have been given.

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous--and how well I know it." -Psalm 139