rainy day random thoughts.

I don't want to sound depressing and say that I'm not happy. I'm not NOT happy, but maybe just kind of eh. I can certainly have fun and I don't necessarily feel down. Indifferent perhaps. Going through the motions a little bit. I've been this way for several weeks now... maybe longer. I haven't really been paying attention. There were a couple of things this weekend though that made me stop and think... more than anything, just got me outside of myself for a few minutes.

Jeff and I went to my dear friend, Sarah's graduation from Art Center in Pasadena on Saturday. Part of the graduation was dedicated to awarding alumni who have used their skills to make an impact in their community and the world. It was impressive and inspring to see videos of the work they had done and how they were helping others. I started to think about how amazing it feels to help someone else, to give without expecting anything in return, to work hard for something that I believe in and care about.

Although I have learned a lot of valuable things in the last year and have grown in many ways, I have mostly done what I want to do... and not done what I don't want to do. And now I sit here, feeling a bit... well, unfulfilled. I read something this morning from a CrossFitter's blog that said, "If you don't like your lift, adjust your grip. If you don't like your life, change it. The game is yours. You are the controller." Its not that I don't like my life, but I know that it can be more. I know that I can be better, and I am the only one who can make it so.

So the graduation was inspiring, even if it was a tad on the long side. There was a sense of hope and promise and a fresh start that I longed for. The other thing was church yesterday. I seriously don't remember the last time Jeff and I went to church, but it had been a while. And yesterday was almost another lazy Sunday, but we went... and I'm usually glad when we do. Sometimes I'm not even really paying attention to the message, but just the act of going and listening to the worship and being surrounded by other believers gives me a sense of peace and reminds me that there is more than just me and my four mile radius. Anyway, it was hard to not pay attention because there was a pretty impressive Christmas drama... lots of ladders and dancing and cool lighting and music... not as cheesy as I make it sound, I promise. The message was Immanuel, meaning God with us. I have heard it a thousand times, but what I really heard (and needed to hear) yesterday was that we no longer need to climb (hence the ladders) and strive, because God stepped down into our world. He was with his creation thousands of years ago and he is with us today... all the time, even when we don't feel him.

I struggle a lot with striving for things to make me feel meaningful, and often times, they do, at least for a while. But I know deep down when my priorities are out of whack because there is a small sense of emptiness. Normally, I feel a lot of guilt over this, but today I guess I just recognize it as a stage of life and something that I want to change. If you don't like it, change it... right? Oh, thats so much easier said than done!

Part of me is tempted to wait to change. After all, January 1st is right around the corner and there is no time like the new year to start fresh. But I guess there will always seem to be a better time... because change is hard. Being more intentional with your life takes effort. Cookies taste good at the time, but they don't feel so great when you are doing burpees with them in your stomach. Get my point?

I don't know what else to say here, but I think this quote is fitting,

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you are going to do now, and do it." -William C. Durant