In spite of myself.

I am thankful for a pretty low key day today. Beach run in the morning, followed by bacon and eggs for breakfast. I did some watering of my succulents and Jeff put up the hammock that Kareem and Al got for us in Costa Rica. I got so comfy in it, reading, listening to Kings of Leon on repeat, and just thinking. I know I don't take enough time to be still. I like to move around and be with people and fill down time with Facebook and internet browsing. I experience God the most when I am outside... even if its just in my front yard. Today was nothing special and I wouldn't necessarily say that I "heard" anything from God, but I did try to practice just being there in the moment.

I started reading a little book a couple weeks ago called "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence. I read most of it in one sitting, then put it down. I finished the rest in the hammock today, and there were a couple of parts that really seemed to stick out. The first was this:

"God requires no great matters of us; a little remembrance of Him from time to time, a little adoration. Sometimes to pray for His grace. Sometimes to offer him your sufferings. And sometimes to return Him thanks for the favors he has given you, and still gives you, in the midst of your troubles... The least little remembrance will always be pleasing to him. You need not cry very loud. He is nearer to us than we are aware. And we do not always have to be in church to be with God. We may make an oratory of our heart so we can, from time to time, retire to converse with Him in meekness, humility and love. Every one is capable of such familiar conversation with God, some more, some less. He knows what we can do."

Reading this, I think I tend to make to make conversing with God to big an ordeal. Everything has to be just right. What brother Lawrence suggests makes so much sense and sounds so simple, but certainly takes lots of practice... especially for me. My mind wanders and gets distracted far to easily. I love how at the end, he says "He knows what we can do." I tend to forget how gracious God is. Someone to be feared, yes, but also someone who cares for and loves us so deeply, despite all of our faults.

The other passage was this one:

"God sometimes permits bodily discomforts to cure the distempers of the soul. Have courage. Make a virtue of necessity. Do not ask God for deliverance from your pain. Instead, out of love for Him, ask for the strength to resolutely bear all that He pleases, and as long as He pleases. Such prayers are hard at first, but they are very pleasing to God, and become sweet to those that love Him. Love sweetens pains... Comfort yourself with Him. He is the only physician for all our illnesses. He is the Father of the afflicted and always ready to help us. He loves us infinitely more than we can imagine. Love Him in return and seek no consolation elsewhere."

While reading this, I felt tears run down my face. My heart feels heavy, and I can't help but think about how trivial some things are. I can get pretty wrapped up in myself... wanting everything to go just as I expect it should. Today I thought a lot about how small many of the things I obsess over are. I try to control so much that I get easily frustrated when I feel a lack of control... when my clothes get a little tighter or when my schedule is thrown off or when I miss a lift at the gym. I don't often leave much room for things to happen outside of what I plan. I also try to avoid thinking about the hard stuff, asking the tough questions, sitting in the uncomfortable places. But I am pretty sure this is what has to happen for healing and growth to take place, and thankfully "He is always ready to help us."

This week I hope to practice slowing down a little bit, maybe lay in my hammock some more (this time with sunscreen on), try to be more aware of God, and more gracious with others and with myself. Perhaps a little ambitious, but He knows what I can do.