Being me.

A couple of times now I have taken the "Strengthsfinder Test". Its basically this long list of simple questions that you answer, and at the end of it all, you are given your top five strengths. I don't know who came up with this thing or how valid it is, but it is mildly interesting regardless. I have no idea why, but I was reminded of this today, and so I went back in my (very organized) email archives and looked up my results from maybe a year ago, when I last took the test. I laughed to myself as I read the descriptions of my top five. Yep, pretty much me. They are all super relational, feeler-type strengths.

While I suppose they are fairly accurate, I can't help but wish that some of the other strengths were a part of my top five. The first one that comes to mind is "learner". To me, learners are intelligent people. They soak up information like a sponge and their brains never feel like they are going to explode (like mine does sometimes).

I have been trying to be more aware lately of how I see myself, and if what I see is really very accurate. I know that I clearly have some flawed perceptions of myself and struggle with feelings of guilt and shame for not being someone that I think I should be. It is interesting trying to be more objective in how I see myself, and not so emotional. I mean, of course I am still emotional, but I am trying to look at even my immediate emotional response as just a that... a go to... a coping mechanism I guess.

Are you confused? Because I am.

Anyway, where I guess I wanted to go with this is that I don't have to be the person that I don't want to be, and I most certainly can be the person that I do want to be. It definitely takes some hard work, but I don't have to be the fearful, not confident, selfish person that I often am. If I want to be a learner, I can be a learner. In fact, I am trying to learn something that I really want to learn right now, and while it is quite challenging for me, I am so happy and thankful that I am being stretched and pushed out of my comfort zone. It feels good to move toward something that I want, rather than sit around thinking about what I am not and doing little about it.

Lastly, in the midst of it all, I am being constantly reminded to just be myself... to learn and grow, yes, but to still be me. Silly, emotional, Lululemon-loving me :)