Being OK with me.

It has been a challenging couple of weeks for me in a few ways, but I’m going to stick to talking about my workouts, because its easier... and I think you can put two and two together. I took a week and a half “off” for a road trip/family reunion in Colorado. It was an awesome trip and I’m so thankful for the rest, nature, and adventure. However, coming back to my workouts has definitely been tough. I had the “hard to sit on the toilet” soreness for days after my first workout last week. I also had a little half cry... the kind where my face gets all scrunched up because I’m frustrated, but don’t really feel like breaking down in front of people. Good stuff.
That said, I still think I have been doing surprisingly well with not being too hard on myself for not hitting the numbers that I think I should... or for doing all of my dips one blasted rep at a time for what felt like an hour. Yesterday my workout was to do a heavy 1 rep snatch, then 6 sets of 3 at 80%. Not my most favorite thing to do. I didn’t even get close to my previous max. It was embarrassing and I could feel my chest getting a little tight. I somehow talked myself out of getting upset, and instead tried to focus on doing all of my following sets really well.
I have also noticed that I have been more tempted to compare this week. I was talking with Carrie about it this morning, and she reminded me that as hard as it is, it is good to have someone to chase. This is very true. It is also true that I can only do the best that I can do... which, when I think about it, is really all that is required. Focusing on how I’m not as good as this person or that person is just going to make me bitter and miserable and stuck. I can only do the best that I can do. Put the work in, as coach Max reminded me. Recognize the good days and push them, and accept the bad days and push through them. Have grace.
Last week in my counseling, I was expressing to Rebecca how my feelings of inadequacy were starting to creep back in... all of the classic “I should be this and do this” garbage. She said to me something like, “Lindsay, I truly believe that you are doing the best that you can right now. You may not think that you are, but you are taking steps to learn and grow. You are doing the best you can.” I don’t know why, but it was such a relief to hear this. It is all to easy to listen to and believe the negative.
If you are anything like me, focusing a little too much on how you are not good enough... let me be the one to tell you, I believe you are doing better than you think. I do. Your best may not look exactly how you pictured... a new PR, a perfect relationship, 100% confidence in your job, but maybe its the best you can do right now. Today, I decided to be okay with who I am and where I am right now, and it felt good.

Double Yoke!... and stuff.

I have been wanting to write for a while now, but I haven't felt particularly inspired to say anything meaningful. However, this morning I cracked open my first double yoke egg, and thought, I should blog today! And if that's not inspiration, then I don't know what is, so here I go.

I read a quote the other day that has really stuck with me for whatever reason. This is it:

"So you mustn’t be frightened if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you?" -Rainer Maria Rilke.

I cannot say that I am experiencing great sadness at the moment, but I thought this was really beautiful and profound. There have certainly been times where my heart feels like it weighs a ton or when I feel lost in my mind, trapped in negative thoughts that seem to be playing on repeat. Times where I question my purpose in life, or God's presence, or his love for me. How true though, that these are the times where the most growth happens for me, where work is being done on my insides.

Speaking of inside work, I was talking with some girlfriends last week about stillness and silence. I actually don't mind being alone or silent so much, its being still when I am alone that is a struggle for me. I tend to avoid doing nothing like I avoid folding laundry. I haven't always been this way, and I'm not sure what changed. It is in being silent and still that I have to really think and process. Working on the inner parts of myself is what scares me, because I know it will require doing things that I don't want to do and giving up things that I don't want to give up, and sometimes experiencing sadness or discomfort.

I am thankful that CrossFit has allowed me to work on some of my insecurities and struggles without me having to sit still, but I know that I sometimes use it to avoid the quiet time that I need. Much like the quote says, I want to shut out what is uncomfortable and hard. Somehow it does make it better to think that the hard stuff simply means that "life has not forgotten" me. And really, my life is pretty damn good :)

For the entire Rilke passage, click here. Its really good.

Being me.

A couple of times now I have taken the "Strengthsfinder Test". Its basically this long list of simple questions that you answer, and at the end of it all, you are given your top five strengths. I don't know who came up with this thing or how valid it is, but it is mildly interesting regardless. I have no idea why, but I was reminded of this today, and so I went back in my (very organized) email archives and looked up my results from maybe a year ago, when I last took the test. I laughed to myself as I read the descriptions of my top five. Yep, pretty much me. They are all super relational, feeler-type strengths.

While I suppose they are fairly accurate, I can't help but wish that some of the other strengths were a part of my top five. The first one that comes to mind is "learner". To me, learners are intelligent people. They soak up information like a sponge and their brains never feel like they are going to explode (like mine does sometimes).

I have been trying to be more aware lately of how I see myself, and if what I see is really very accurate. I know that I clearly have some flawed perceptions of myself and struggle with feelings of guilt and shame for not being someone that I think I should be. It is interesting trying to be more objective in how I see myself, and not so emotional. I mean, of course I am still emotional, but I am trying to look at even my immediate emotional response as just a that... a go to... a coping mechanism I guess.

Are you confused? Because I am.

Anyway, where I guess I wanted to go with this is that I don't have to be the person that I don't want to be, and I most certainly can be the person that I do want to be. It definitely takes some hard work, but I don't have to be the fearful, not confident, selfish person that I often am. If I want to be a learner, I can be a learner. In fact, I am trying to learn something that I really want to learn right now, and while it is quite challenging for me, I am so happy and thankful that I am being stretched and pushed out of my comfort zone. It feels good to move toward something that I want, rather than sit around thinking about what I am not and doing little about it.

Lastly, in the midst of it all, I am being constantly reminded to just be myself... to learn and grow, yes, but to still be me. Silly, emotional, Lululemon-loving me :)

Try try again.

I have been thinking quite a bit this week about failure. I know I have talked about this before, but I often struggle with feeling that I am not good enough... in many areas of my life. I recently started meeting with a counselor once a week to hopefully sort through and work on some of this stuff, among other things. In my last session with Rebecca, she mentioned that I used some form of the word "fail" several times. She asked me, "According to who are you failing?" My answer: "me." I suppose I have set up some faulty standards, that when I don't think that I am meeting them, I figure I must have failed. Now, I know this is all in my head, but more often than not I can really convince myself that it is true... that I am failing as a wife, Christian, friend, coach, etc.

Rebecca reminded me that without failures, many things would not be as they are today... we wouldn't have some of the inventions or modern medicines that we do or who knows what else. Failing often leads to answers and to growth. I know this all too well in CrossFit. Sure I have gotten upset when I have missed a lift multiple times, or not PR'd on a workout, but I have also learned from these experiences what to do the next time, or perhaps more accurately, what not to do. And from this, I have without a doubt seen growth.

This morning I happened to come across an article about failure written by Mark Twight from Gym Jones. I especially liked this insight of his:

A game contested by two teams for points emphasizes winning or losing on the day. The day is a test but the path leading to it is one of fear and overcoming (or not) and ultimately, self-knowledge. This path is that of growth so it has no start, and no finish. When it is walked like it has a beginning, middle and end, with achievement and success and a sense of "having arrived" as the sole auditors of good work done and knowledge gained, the athlete learns to fear failure. To evolve rather than simply repeating oneself, to truly live one must learn how and when to fail, and understand that failure is a necessary component of self-knowledge.

I tend to have very black and white thinking. I am either good or bad, right or wrong, succeeding or failing. I am working on trying to step outside of this way of thinking a little bit. Rather than seeing my "mess ups" as indicators that I have failed, instead viewing them as part of my path of growth and self-knowledge. Failing does not equal failure. While I know this is true, it sure is hard for me to believe when it comes to myself. I mean, real hard.

I have also been thinking that this is all a matter of attitude. I can choose to get defeated by my "failures" and quit, or I can choose to pick myself up, get my mind right, and try again. I do think that I am slowly becoming a more confident person, trying to find answers, seeking help, and working on the hard stuff rather than wallowing too long in guilt, shame, and my fear of failure. Since it is such an easy habit for me to fall into, right now I am simply working on being more aware of the times that I feel like a failure. Why do I feel this way? According to who's standards? And maybe take some time to objectively think about what might need some altering. I am pretty certain there won't be any huge changes overnight, but any change in the right direction is good.

At the end of his article, Mark Twight says, "In this context, success and failure are the same thing, though one feels a bit better than the other." Like he says, it may not apply to all situations, but I do like the thought of viewing my "failures" as opportunities for success.

Good Friday.

"I do not at all understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us." -Anne Lamott



Sometimes I forget what is true. It can be all too easy to get wrapped up in the small things and to listen to the lies... to forget about the bigger picture. I tend to get wrapped up in guilt and shame... what I should be doing or should have done, or said. I think about all of the things I could have done better rather than all of the things I've done well. I forget that I am not alone.

Someone once told me to practice, from time to time, sitting quietly and writing down what I felt God wanted to say to me in that moment. As hard as I can be on myself, its funny how every time I do this, God's words are so kind to me, full of love and grace. I am especially grateful for this today.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

In spite of myself.

I am thankful for a pretty low key day today. Beach run in the morning, followed by bacon and eggs for breakfast. I did some watering of my succulents and Jeff put up the hammock that Kareem and Al got for us in Costa Rica. I got so comfy in it, reading, listening to Kings of Leon on repeat, and just thinking. I know I don't take enough time to be still. I like to move around and be with people and fill down time with Facebook and internet browsing. I experience God the most when I am outside... even if its just in my front yard. Today was nothing special and I wouldn't necessarily say that I "heard" anything from God, but I did try to practice just being there in the moment.

I started reading a little book a couple weeks ago called "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence. I read most of it in one sitting, then put it down. I finished the rest in the hammock today, and there were a couple of parts that really seemed to stick out. The first was this:

"God requires no great matters of us; a little remembrance of Him from time to time, a little adoration. Sometimes to pray for His grace. Sometimes to offer him your sufferings. And sometimes to return Him thanks for the favors he has given you, and still gives you, in the midst of your troubles... The least little remembrance will always be pleasing to him. You need not cry very loud. He is nearer to us than we are aware. And we do not always have to be in church to be with God. We may make an oratory of our heart so we can, from time to time, retire to converse with Him in meekness, humility and love. Every one is capable of such familiar conversation with God, some more, some less. He knows what we can do."

Reading this, I think I tend to make to make conversing with God to big an ordeal. Everything has to be just right. What brother Lawrence suggests makes so much sense and sounds so simple, but certainly takes lots of practice... especially for me. My mind wanders and gets distracted far to easily. I love how at the end, he says "He knows what we can do." I tend to forget how gracious God is. Someone to be feared, yes, but also someone who cares for and loves us so deeply, despite all of our faults.

The other passage was this one:

"God sometimes permits bodily discomforts to cure the distempers of the soul. Have courage. Make a virtue of necessity. Do not ask God for deliverance from your pain. Instead, out of love for Him, ask for the strength to resolutely bear all that He pleases, and as long as He pleases. Such prayers are hard at first, but they are very pleasing to God, and become sweet to those that love Him. Love sweetens pains... Comfort yourself with Him. He is the only physician for all our illnesses. He is the Father of the afflicted and always ready to help us. He loves us infinitely more than we can imagine. Love Him in return and seek no consolation elsewhere."

While reading this, I felt tears run down my face. My heart feels heavy, and I can't help but think about how trivial some things are. I can get pretty wrapped up in myself... wanting everything to go just as I expect it should. Today I thought a lot about how small many of the things I obsess over are. I try to control so much that I get easily frustrated when I feel a lack of control... when my clothes get a little tighter or when my schedule is thrown off or when I miss a lift at the gym. I don't often leave much room for things to happen outside of what I plan. I also try to avoid thinking about the hard stuff, asking the tough questions, sitting in the uncomfortable places. But I am pretty sure this is what has to happen for healing and growth to take place, and thankfully "He is always ready to help us."

This week I hope to practice slowing down a little bit, maybe lay in my hammock some more (this time with sunscreen on), try to be more aware of God, and more gracious with others and with myself. Perhaps a little ambitious, but He knows what I can do.

just another day.

No deep thoughts planned for this post. Its just been a while and I feel the need to remind people that I'm still here... still kickin'. I felt generally happy this morning when I walked into the gym. I expected a long, painful IWT (interval weight training), but instead my workout was relatively short: 150m on the Versaclimber followed by 10 burpee pull-ups, about 90 seconds of rest, 5 times. This was my first real experience on the Versa. It is, as the name states, a climbing machine... you stand on pedals and hold onto handles, and move your arms and legs up and down in a climbing motion. Simple, but not easy... as we often like to say in CrossFit. One of my PT clients kindly loaned this contraption to our gym for an indefinite amount of time. I thanked her at the time... but now I'm not so sure I'm thankful. It's hard and awkward, and apparently I was doing it incorrectly. The hips are supposed to be still, but mine were not. Sassy hips :)

Following this workout, I did a 1 rep max Press. I wanted to hit 73#, as I swear I have done once before and feel strongly that I should be able to do, but could only get to 70#... a sad number... and it made me sad. I had to take a little time to just sit and breathe. Old thoughts and habits have been coming back lately and I am being extra hard on myself, which never helps. Maybe more on that another day. I finished the morning off with some practice on my free standing handstands. I'm glad I did, because this was fun. I've been afraid to try them and fall on my head or my back. I started by kicking up to the wall and then trying to hold my feet a few inches off the wall. Then I pulled out a big mat and practiced on the mat for a while. Failing was important for me on this one. I needed to know that its not so painful to fall over. I was able to hold myself up for a second or two a few times, which was a significant accomplishment for the day. I'll take it.