enjoying now.

I have this bad habit of always looking for the next best thing, thinking I will be happier when it comes along or when I get it. Only when it does, or I do, there is something else just out of my reach. It makes it very difficult to enjoy the present. When I was in college, I just wanted to be out in the "real world". When I was dating I just wanted to be married. In most places I have lived, I would anticipate the next move. In jobs I have had, I've been always on the lookout for a different one. Not to mention, I have thought when I lose this weight or have those jeans or go on that vacation I would be happy... finally right where I want to be.

The last year or so has been pretty different for me. I think I am learning to better appreciate where I am, what I am doing, and who I am. Someone told me that life is a process. When we make mistakes, we don't go all the way back to the beginning. We have learned new tools and experienced different things to help move us forward. Rather than try to fight our way to the finish, we should enjoy the process of getting there. This has been really helpful for me, especially when I am in a place that I really don't care to be in. Its funny how looking back, I can clearly see how each experience, job, whatever... good or bad... built on the next, and taught me something new about myself.

So here I am. Almost 27. Married to my high school sweetheart. Living in Costa Mesa. Working at the YMCA. I have been so blessed to find community and some really amazing friends in the last year of living here. I love working out at CrossFit Costa Mesa and feel more comfortable in my skin than I have in a long time. I am enjoying my job and the people I work with and train. I actually would not rather be anywhere else right now, and that feels really good.

I am reading a book right now called Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist, and I really like this quote of hers:

"This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. but pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted."

inspired.

I'm still struggling with the "fear thing". Just when I think I am tackling it, it creeps up on me. I love these quotes... some about fear, some not... but it was definitely good for me to read them today. I hope they inspire you too.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” --Marianne Williamson

"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." --unknown

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -- Aristotle

"Only those who dare to fail greatly, can ever achieve greatly." --unknown

"This is my body. And I can do whatever I want to it. I can push it. Study it. Tweak it. Listen to it. Everybody wants to know what I'm on. What am I on? I'm on my bike busting my ass six hours a day.
What are you on?" --Lance Armstrong

"The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results, just as a small amount of fire makes a small amount of heat." --Napoleon Hill

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains." --Renoir

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." --Joshua 1:9

faith and stuff...

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1

I have believed in God for as long as I can remember. I think it is because Piper and I used to stay with my grandparents when mom and dad would go out of town, and Jane (my grandma) would always make us say our prayers before we went to bed... "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Guard me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light..." Jane and Poopa would also take us to church and we would sit between the pews for the hour long service that felt like two, and draw on the kids program. Regardless, I always believed that God was taking care of me and that I could talk to Him.

Its funny the way life keeps moving forward. I went to a funeral service at home last weekend for the brother of a friend of mine who passed away. His dad spoke about life being like a train that just keeps on moving. We are all on it together, going through life, and eventually we will get off the train... sometimes someone gets off sooner than we expect, but the train keeps moving forward. I thought about my life and each of the towns I have passed through and the experiences that have made me who I am today. I thought about the person I would be when its my turn to get off the train. Hopefully the same, but hopefully different too.

I also went to a different church when I was at home. The message was about the war between God and Satan for our lives. In Ephesians 6, it says, "For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms." The pastor, Tim, said that we often battle against the wrong enemy... be it our spouse, our job, money, addiction, whatever... when really our enemy is none of these things, but Satan. Though I have heard it before, Tim reminded us that it is not too late to stand up and fight against the real enemy. I have been feeling pretty complacent in my faith lately... or for a while now I guess, so this was refreshing for me to hear. Although I believe still, its like everything is kind of foggy... like when the car windshield gets foggy in the morning, and I'm just too lazy to just wipe it off. Instead I try to see though the little spots where its clear, but its not enough... and not very safe either.

This Sunday is Easter. Its bunnies and colored eggs and marshmallow peeps and Jesus. The story goes: Jesus, the Son of God, was born into this broken world, yet was perfect in every way. He lived thirty some years, the last few of which were spent loving on people... all people, healing their bodies and their hearts, forgiving them of their sins. He died an undeserved death on a cross for the rest of us. Then, three days after he was crucified, he rose from the grave. Died and came back to life... pretty crazy and incredible.

Sometimes, I look at the story of Jesus and Christianity and try to imagine what it must sound like to someone who is not familiar with it. I think it gets turned into this weird "religious" thing... like its complicated. But its not really. All I know is, I trust it. Despite being totally imperfect and undeserving, I know that I am forgiven and loved, and my faith in Jesus has brought me peace in rough times, comfort in loneliness, and hope for the future. I don't know when the train is going to stop and kick me out, but when it does, I don't want to look back down the tracks with regret. I want to know that I stood firm and fought the good fight and remained faithful.

"May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God" (Ephesians 3:19).

(the photo is of my friend Sam and me on Easter several years ago :)

Food Experiment #2: Paleo

This post may make me seem like a crazy person. For the month of February, Jeff and I decided to try out a vegetarian diet. All went well and I felt good about eating less meat. It was actually not as hard as I thought it would be and we had fun trying out some new recipes. This month... well, for the next 52 days, I am trying something that feels completely the opposite. The gym I work out at... and love, CrossFit Costa Mesa, is doing a "Paleo Challenge"... a 60 day challenge for anyone who wants to participate, of eating a paleolithic diet, also known as "the caveman diet". This is essentially eating meats, fish, eggs, fruit, nuts, seeds, and lots of veggies. No grains, dairy, or sugar.

I have thought a lot (probably too much) about this, and the vegetarian thing for that matter, taking into consideration my past struggles surrounding food, dieting, body image, etc. I am not a big believer in or supporter of "diets". I think for many women especially, diets can lead to obsessive behavior, guilt, bingeing, and an unhealthy relationship with food and our bodies. That being said, why am I doing this? Mostly its just curiosity, and because I feel like I am in a pretty good place body image wise these days. I am choosing to think of the next 60 days not as a diet but as an experimental lifestyle... much like eating vegetarian. I have told myself, and Jeff, and now you, that if I start crossing that imaginary line into being obsessive or just plain miserable... then I will stop. Its not worth the progress I've made over the last year of finding freedom and being comfortable in my own skin. I'm not in it to lose weight or inches, just to try something different and hopefully start improving my CrossFit workouts... and feeling better. So I am taking it one day at a time. Jeff likes calling me his paleo-princess :)

What about the eating animals part? Well, we started buying our meat from Celestino's, a meat market where we can get grass-fed beef, and last Saturday, we went to the Irvine Farmer's Market and got some delicious pastured eggs. So we are trying to be mindful. It has been one week of eating Paleo and I am feeling pretty good... a little lower-energy, but apparently that is normal for the first week or two. It is nice knowing that lots of others at CrossFit are doing it as well and that there will be support and strength in numbers. In the end, as I have mentioned before, I think Jeff and I will find ourselves somewhere between the two ways of eating... maybe we can call ourselves Vege-Paleo's... or Paleoterians! I know, I'm so clever ;)

the Plant Lady

Sometime in the last year, I decided that I really love succulents. There is a little shop here in Costa Mesa where this lady makes all of these awesome arrangements with succulents... and sells them for $15 up to probably $150... pretty pricey. I decided that if I got some cool pots, then I could do this myself. The thing is, I have been scared that I would mess things up, so I haven't been too experimental. I would just buy a few succulents and leave them in their pots. On Sunday, I decided to pull some things apart and get a little dirt under my nails. These are what I came up with...

#3...Travel to Europe

This morning Jeff and I booked our plane tickets to Europe! We will arrive in London on May 13th... Jeff's 27th birthday... and we will depart from Paris on June 1st. Now that we have our tickets, its time to plan what we will do, where we will go, and how we will get to each place during the three weeks that we are over there. This is generally what we've been thinking... start in London, visit Amsterdam (where Jeff's sister Crystal is living for the year), then head to Gimmelwald (in the Swiss Alps), then to Venice, Rome, and Cinque Terre, and take a cheap flight back up to Paris for the final days of our trip. It is a lot of places, but I think we can do it! Jeff has never been to Europe and my only trip was with my grandparents and Piper in high school... with a tour group. It was interesting, to say the least. It has been over three years (our honeymoon in Mexico) since Jeff and I have really gone on a vacation, so we are really looking forward to time exploring together! If anyone has recommendations for things to see and ways to get around, please let me know. I can use all the help I can get!

It doesn't take much...

I love Tuesday. I don't really work on Tuesday, other than train a couple of clients at the Y, so it is my day to get things done... clean the house, do laundry, work out, grocery shop, etc. Today has been an especially good Tuesday. Other than the fact that it is a gorgeous, 75 degree day outside, two things have been particularly standout.

1. As most of you who have read my blog know, I started swimming a couple of months ago. I try to swim for at least 30 minutes, two times a week. At first I was struggling to swim one length of the pool (25 meters) and now I am swimming... well, more than that. So today, as I was almost done with my workout, the lady in the lane next to mine turned to me and said, "You are a beautiful swimmer. You have such a nice stroke and your endurance is really good too." I laughed out loud and replied with, "You've got to be kidding!" For all I know, I'm flailing around out there. Then she went on to ask how long I had been swimming and who had taught me. I explained it had only been a couple months, and mostly my husband, friends, and the lifeguards at the Y. She said, "Wow! that is amazing... you just made my day... my week even! What an inspiration! You should be so proud of yourself! You should treat yourself to an ice cream sunday... what an accomplishment!" What?! I made her week? Definitely the other way around, lady. Then she asked me if I would show her how I breathe when I swim. Really guys, this is funny... especially if you have seen me swim. Regardless, it made me feel so good and made my day... my week even :)

2. After lunch today, I walked out to our back patio to check out how my succulents and veggie garden are doing. I cannot describe how excited I was to discover my first tomato!!! It is about the size of a cherry, and if things continue, it will hopefully become normal tomato size! I feel so accomplished, seeing as I do not consider myself much of a gardener. Our front yard is also looking quite nice... some of the flowers that I planted last spring came back. I must be doing something right.

Swimming compliments and a tomato. Like I said, it doesn't take much.