Double Yoke!... and stuff.

I have been wanting to write for a while now, but I haven't felt particularly inspired to say anything meaningful. However, this morning I cracked open my first double yoke egg, and thought, I should blog today! And if that's not inspiration, then I don't know what is, so here I go.

I read a quote the other day that has really stuck with me for whatever reason. This is it:

"So you mustn’t be frightened if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you?" -Rainer Maria Rilke.

I cannot say that I am experiencing great sadness at the moment, but I thought this was really beautiful and profound. There have certainly been times where my heart feels like it weighs a ton or when I feel lost in my mind, trapped in negative thoughts that seem to be playing on repeat. Times where I question my purpose in life, or God's presence, or his love for me. How true though, that these are the times where the most growth happens for me, where work is being done on my insides.

Speaking of inside work, I was talking with some girlfriends last week about stillness and silence. I actually don't mind being alone or silent so much, its being still when I am alone that is a struggle for me. I tend to avoid doing nothing like I avoid folding laundry. I haven't always been this way, and I'm not sure what changed. It is in being silent and still that I have to really think and process. Working on the inner parts of myself is what scares me, because I know it will require doing things that I don't want to do and giving up things that I don't want to give up, and sometimes experiencing sadness or discomfort.

I am thankful that CrossFit has allowed me to work on some of my insecurities and struggles without me having to sit still, but I know that I sometimes use it to avoid the quiet time that I need. Much like the quote says, I want to shut out what is uncomfortable and hard. Somehow it does make it better to think that the hard stuff simply means that "life has not forgotten" me. And really, my life is pretty damn good :)

For the entire Rilke passage, click here. Its really good.

Being me.

A couple of times now I have taken the "Strengthsfinder Test". Its basically this long list of simple questions that you answer, and at the end of it all, you are given your top five strengths. I don't know who came up with this thing or how valid it is, but it is mildly interesting regardless. I have no idea why, but I was reminded of this today, and so I went back in my (very organized) email archives and looked up my results from maybe a year ago, when I last took the test. I laughed to myself as I read the descriptions of my top five. Yep, pretty much me. They are all super relational, feeler-type strengths.

While I suppose they are fairly accurate, I can't help but wish that some of the other strengths were a part of my top five. The first one that comes to mind is "learner". To me, learners are intelligent people. They soak up information like a sponge and their brains never feel like they are going to explode (like mine does sometimes).

I have been trying to be more aware lately of how I see myself, and if what I see is really very accurate. I know that I clearly have some flawed perceptions of myself and struggle with feelings of guilt and shame for not being someone that I think I should be. It is interesting trying to be more objective in how I see myself, and not so emotional. I mean, of course I am still emotional, but I am trying to look at even my immediate emotional response as just a that... a go to... a coping mechanism I guess.

Are you confused? Because I am.

Anyway, where I guess I wanted to go with this is that I don't have to be the person that I don't want to be, and I most certainly can be the person that I do want to be. It definitely takes some hard work, but I don't have to be the fearful, not confident, selfish person that I often am. If I want to be a learner, I can be a learner. In fact, I am trying to learn something that I really want to learn right now, and while it is quite challenging for me, I am so happy and thankful that I am being stretched and pushed out of my comfort zone. It feels good to move toward something that I want, rather than sit around thinking about what I am not and doing little about it.

Lastly, in the midst of it all, I am being constantly reminded to just be myself... to learn and grow, yes, but to still be me. Silly, emotional, Lululemon-loving me :)

Try try again.

I have been thinking quite a bit this week about failure. I know I have talked about this before, but I often struggle with feeling that I am not good enough... in many areas of my life. I recently started meeting with a counselor once a week to hopefully sort through and work on some of this stuff, among other things. In my last session with Rebecca, she mentioned that I used some form of the word "fail" several times. She asked me, "According to who are you failing?" My answer: "me." I suppose I have set up some faulty standards, that when I don't think that I am meeting them, I figure I must have failed. Now, I know this is all in my head, but more often than not I can really convince myself that it is true... that I am failing as a wife, Christian, friend, coach, etc.

Rebecca reminded me that without failures, many things would not be as they are today... we wouldn't have some of the inventions or modern medicines that we do or who knows what else. Failing often leads to answers and to growth. I know this all too well in CrossFit. Sure I have gotten upset when I have missed a lift multiple times, or not PR'd on a workout, but I have also learned from these experiences what to do the next time, or perhaps more accurately, what not to do. And from this, I have without a doubt seen growth.

This morning I happened to come across an article about failure written by Mark Twight from Gym Jones. I especially liked this insight of his:

A game contested by two teams for points emphasizes winning or losing on the day. The day is a test but the path leading to it is one of fear and overcoming (or not) and ultimately, self-knowledge. This path is that of growth so it has no start, and no finish. When it is walked like it has a beginning, middle and end, with achievement and success and a sense of "having arrived" as the sole auditors of good work done and knowledge gained, the athlete learns to fear failure. To evolve rather than simply repeating oneself, to truly live one must learn how and when to fail, and understand that failure is a necessary component of self-knowledge.

I tend to have very black and white thinking. I am either good or bad, right or wrong, succeeding or failing. I am working on trying to step outside of this way of thinking a little bit. Rather than seeing my "mess ups" as indicators that I have failed, instead viewing them as part of my path of growth and self-knowledge. Failing does not equal failure. While I know this is true, it sure is hard for me to believe when it comes to myself. I mean, real hard.

I have also been thinking that this is all a matter of attitude. I can choose to get defeated by my "failures" and quit, or I can choose to pick myself up, get my mind right, and try again. I do think that I am slowly becoming a more confident person, trying to find answers, seeking help, and working on the hard stuff rather than wallowing too long in guilt, shame, and my fear of failure. Since it is such an easy habit for me to fall into, right now I am simply working on being more aware of the times that I feel like a failure. Why do I feel this way? According to who's standards? And maybe take some time to objectively think about what might need some altering. I am pretty certain there won't be any huge changes overnight, but any change in the right direction is good.

At the end of his article, Mark Twight says, "In this context, success and failure are the same thing, though one feels a bit better than the other." Like he says, it may not apply to all situations, but I do like the thought of viewing my "failures" as opportunities for success.

Good Friday.

"I do not at all understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us." -Anne Lamott



Sometimes I forget what is true. It can be all too easy to get wrapped up in the small things and to listen to the lies... to forget about the bigger picture. I tend to get wrapped up in guilt and shame... what I should be doing or should have done, or said. I think about all of the things I could have done better rather than all of the things I've done well. I forget that I am not alone.

Someone once told me to practice, from time to time, sitting quietly and writing down what I felt God wanted to say to me in that moment. As hard as I can be on myself, its funny how every time I do this, God's words are so kind to me, full of love and grace. I am especially grateful for this today.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

In spite of myself.

I am thankful for a pretty low key day today. Beach run in the morning, followed by bacon and eggs for breakfast. I did some watering of my succulents and Jeff put up the hammock that Kareem and Al got for us in Costa Rica. I got so comfy in it, reading, listening to Kings of Leon on repeat, and just thinking. I know I don't take enough time to be still. I like to move around and be with people and fill down time with Facebook and internet browsing. I experience God the most when I am outside... even if its just in my front yard. Today was nothing special and I wouldn't necessarily say that I "heard" anything from God, but I did try to practice just being there in the moment.

I started reading a little book a couple weeks ago called "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence. I read most of it in one sitting, then put it down. I finished the rest in the hammock today, and there were a couple of parts that really seemed to stick out. The first was this:

"God requires no great matters of us; a little remembrance of Him from time to time, a little adoration. Sometimes to pray for His grace. Sometimes to offer him your sufferings. And sometimes to return Him thanks for the favors he has given you, and still gives you, in the midst of your troubles... The least little remembrance will always be pleasing to him. You need not cry very loud. He is nearer to us than we are aware. And we do not always have to be in church to be with God. We may make an oratory of our heart so we can, from time to time, retire to converse with Him in meekness, humility and love. Every one is capable of such familiar conversation with God, some more, some less. He knows what we can do."

Reading this, I think I tend to make to make conversing with God to big an ordeal. Everything has to be just right. What brother Lawrence suggests makes so much sense and sounds so simple, but certainly takes lots of practice... especially for me. My mind wanders and gets distracted far to easily. I love how at the end, he says "He knows what we can do." I tend to forget how gracious God is. Someone to be feared, yes, but also someone who cares for and loves us so deeply, despite all of our faults.

The other passage was this one:

"God sometimes permits bodily discomforts to cure the distempers of the soul. Have courage. Make a virtue of necessity. Do not ask God for deliverance from your pain. Instead, out of love for Him, ask for the strength to resolutely bear all that He pleases, and as long as He pleases. Such prayers are hard at first, but they are very pleasing to God, and become sweet to those that love Him. Love sweetens pains... Comfort yourself with Him. He is the only physician for all our illnesses. He is the Father of the afflicted and always ready to help us. He loves us infinitely more than we can imagine. Love Him in return and seek no consolation elsewhere."

While reading this, I felt tears run down my face. My heart feels heavy, and I can't help but think about how trivial some things are. I can get pretty wrapped up in myself... wanting everything to go just as I expect it should. Today I thought a lot about how small many of the things I obsess over are. I try to control so much that I get easily frustrated when I feel a lack of control... when my clothes get a little tighter or when my schedule is thrown off or when I miss a lift at the gym. I don't often leave much room for things to happen outside of what I plan. I also try to avoid thinking about the hard stuff, asking the tough questions, sitting in the uncomfortable places. But I am pretty sure this is what has to happen for healing and growth to take place, and thankfully "He is always ready to help us."

This week I hope to practice slowing down a little bit, maybe lay in my hammock some more (this time with sunscreen on), try to be more aware of God, and more gracious with others and with myself. Perhaps a little ambitious, but He knows what I can do.

just another day.

No deep thoughts planned for this post. Its just been a while and I feel the need to remind people that I'm still here... still kickin'. I felt generally happy this morning when I walked into the gym. I expected a long, painful IWT (interval weight training), but instead my workout was relatively short: 150m on the Versaclimber followed by 10 burpee pull-ups, about 90 seconds of rest, 5 times. This was my first real experience on the Versa. It is, as the name states, a climbing machine... you stand on pedals and hold onto handles, and move your arms and legs up and down in a climbing motion. Simple, but not easy... as we often like to say in CrossFit. One of my PT clients kindly loaned this contraption to our gym for an indefinite amount of time. I thanked her at the time... but now I'm not so sure I'm thankful. It's hard and awkward, and apparently I was doing it incorrectly. The hips are supposed to be still, but mine were not. Sassy hips :)

Following this workout, I did a 1 rep max Press. I wanted to hit 73#, as I swear I have done once before and feel strongly that I should be able to do, but could only get to 70#... a sad number... and it made me sad. I had to take a little time to just sit and breathe. Old thoughts and habits have been coming back lately and I am being extra hard on myself, which never helps. Maybe more on that another day. I finished the morning off with some practice on my free standing handstands. I'm glad I did, because this was fun. I've been afraid to try them and fall on my head or my back. I started by kicking up to the wall and then trying to hold my feet a few inches off the wall. Then I pulled out a big mat and practiced on the mat for a while. Failing was important for me on this one. I needed to know that its not so painful to fall over. I was able to hold myself up for a second or two a few times, which was a significant accomplishment for the day. I'll take it.

in time...

I am reading through a book that I love for the second time with a group of girls, called Found Art. In the intro, the author speaks about life being like a collage of experiences. I like this image because I have always liked collages. I used to make them out of photos and magazine clippings. I would hang them on my wall or give them to my friends. The idea is that our experiences... both good and bad, when pieced together, become something amazing and beautiful.

It always surprises me when I arrive at a place where I can look back on the difficult things in my life, and see how they have brought me to where I am today. Some things that were really crappy at the time have made me stronger, or helped me to relate to others in a unique way, or have caused me to change for the better, or steered me in a different direction. I am fully aware that my collage is not yet finished, that I will likely have many more difficult things to deal with and hard decisions to make, and that past struggles can always creep back in. There are also many sweet things yet to be experienced. But I like this idea that all of these random pieces together are making a complete picture of me... that there is some sort of method to the madness.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11.

The author of the book asks, "Which of these 28 seasons particularly resonates with you today? Why?"

Of course this is challenging for me because there are too many options and as you know, I have a hard time making decisions. I want to pick a few of these, but I'm going to say that for me, this is a time to build. I feel like I am in a pretty secure place right now and for this I am so grateful. In some ways, I feel as though I have just started something and each day I am building on that. I am being challenged and learning and just plain thinking more. However, there are some tools and materials I am not using as much of in my building that would probably make things go a little smoother and look a little better. This may seem somewhat cryptic, but I hope that I am able to let go of some of the expectations, shame, and fears that keep me from using these other things, which will help me to build something more solid and beautiful.

"... but if we will enter the frightening place--if we will engage in the context of this new culture--we will see that there was no shortcut to transformation." -Leanna Tankersley