Til death do us part.

This past weekend, Jeff and I made the trip home to Visalia. We were there for a couple of big things. My grandpa, Poopa, passed away about a week ago, and his funeral was on Thursday morning, and yesterday, Jeff’s youngest sister Katie got married.

The end of one thing, and the beginning of another.

The service for Poopa was quite perfect. The church that they used to take me to as a little girl was full. There were stories from his closest friends about his silly antics and his love for his family, traveling, and his hometown, Visalia. Many memories have been running through my mind since he passed away. Though he was 90 years old and I knew this was coming, the change and loss of someone special isn’t easy... harder than I thought in fact. I can still hear Poopa’s voice saying “Oh! sweet girl!” and giving me a kiss on the cheek. I can see him sitting in his mustard colored recliner chair as Piper and I practiced our putting with his golf club in the family room. Trips to San Francisco with he and Janey in the Cadillac; every Christmas morning for as long as I can remember; his red Stanford sweats, thumb tricks, and never-changing trivia questions. He was funny and stubborn and sensitive, and I will miss him dearly.

Thankfully, our trip ended on a high note. Katie and Jon’s wedding was beautiful. I came over to the Schuil house on Thursday afternoon to Crystal and Katie making chocolate covered spoons for the coffee at the reception. It reminded me of so many times at their house over the years... the girls in the kitchen in their running clothes, baking and laughing and licking their chocolate or cookie dough-covered fingers. It made me happy to see them so calm and carefree during a time that is usually pretty stressful for a bride.

Everything came together perfectly, I thought. Katie was relaxed and was glowing on her wedding day. Like me, she met the love of her life in high school. Their ceremony was simple and personal. Our good friend Jared played guitar and sang “Divine Romance” by Phil Wickham, the same song he sang at our wedding almost five years ago. As Jeff and I caught each others eyes as Jared sang, I felt peace knowing that even though things have changed over the years, we still belong to each other and to God.

Today, as we drove back to Costa Mesa, I was thinking about marriage, about the commitment that Jeff and I made to each other. I thought about Poopa and Janey and their 65 years together, and about our parents’ marriages. Oftentimes I forget how sacred marriage is. If I am being completely honest, it can be very easy to just go through it. I don’t believe what causes marriages to fall apart is some big disagreement or falling out, but rather getting too comfortable, taking the other person for granted, pretending that everything is fine when sometimes its not, and just not caring anymore. I don’t think marriage is hard because we don’t get along with each other, but because its not new and exciting every single moment of every single day. It involves taking out the trash, sharing the bathroom, and trying to remember whose turn it is to get the oil changed in the car.

All that said, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I spent quite a bit of time with my grandparents, and I know their marriage was not always easy, but they held true to their promises for 65 years. They cared for each other and didn’t give up when times were difficult.

I have heard it said that love is a choice, and I couldn’t agree more. There are times where it is so easy to love, and times where you really have to choose it. I think there is something so honoring and beautiful about this. If it were always easy, I don’t think it would be true love.

Being OK with me.

It has been a challenging couple of weeks for me in a few ways, but I’m going to stick to talking about my workouts, because its easier... and I think you can put two and two together. I took a week and a half “off” for a road trip/family reunion in Colorado. It was an awesome trip and I’m so thankful for the rest, nature, and adventure. However, coming back to my workouts has definitely been tough. I had the “hard to sit on the toilet” soreness for days after my first workout last week. I also had a little half cry... the kind where my face gets all scrunched up because I’m frustrated, but don’t really feel like breaking down in front of people. Good stuff.
That said, I still think I have been doing surprisingly well with not being too hard on myself for not hitting the numbers that I think I should... or for doing all of my dips one blasted rep at a time for what felt like an hour. Yesterday my workout was to do a heavy 1 rep snatch, then 6 sets of 3 at 80%. Not my most favorite thing to do. I didn’t even get close to my previous max. It was embarrassing and I could feel my chest getting a little tight. I somehow talked myself out of getting upset, and instead tried to focus on doing all of my following sets really well.
I have also noticed that I have been more tempted to compare this week. I was talking with Carrie about it this morning, and she reminded me that as hard as it is, it is good to have someone to chase. This is very true. It is also true that I can only do the best that I can do... which, when I think about it, is really all that is required. Focusing on how I’m not as good as this person or that person is just going to make me bitter and miserable and stuck. I can only do the best that I can do. Put the work in, as coach Max reminded me. Recognize the good days and push them, and accept the bad days and push through them. Have grace.
Last week in my counseling, I was expressing to Rebecca how my feelings of inadequacy were starting to creep back in... all of the classic “I should be this and do this” garbage. She said to me something like, “Lindsay, I truly believe that you are doing the best that you can right now. You may not think that you are, but you are taking steps to learn and grow. You are doing the best you can.” I don’t know why, but it was such a relief to hear this. It is all to easy to listen to and believe the negative.
If you are anything like me, focusing a little too much on how you are not good enough... let me be the one to tell you, I believe you are doing better than you think. I do. Your best may not look exactly how you pictured... a new PR, a perfect relationship, 100% confidence in your job, but maybe its the best you can do right now. Today, I decided to be okay with who I am and where I am right now, and it felt good.

Double Yoke!... and stuff.

I have been wanting to write for a while now, but I haven't felt particularly inspired to say anything meaningful. However, this morning I cracked open my first double yoke egg, and thought, I should blog today! And if that's not inspiration, then I don't know what is, so here I go.

I read a quote the other day that has really stuck with me for whatever reason. This is it:

"So you mustn’t be frightened if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you?" -Rainer Maria Rilke.

I cannot say that I am experiencing great sadness at the moment, but I thought this was really beautiful and profound. There have certainly been times where my heart feels like it weighs a ton or when I feel lost in my mind, trapped in negative thoughts that seem to be playing on repeat. Times where I question my purpose in life, or God's presence, or his love for me. How true though, that these are the times where the most growth happens for me, where work is being done on my insides.

Speaking of inside work, I was talking with some girlfriends last week about stillness and silence. I actually don't mind being alone or silent so much, its being still when I am alone that is a struggle for me. I tend to avoid doing nothing like I avoid folding laundry. I haven't always been this way, and I'm not sure what changed. It is in being silent and still that I have to really think and process. Working on the inner parts of myself is what scares me, because I know it will require doing things that I don't want to do and giving up things that I don't want to give up, and sometimes experiencing sadness or discomfort.

I am thankful that CrossFit has allowed me to work on some of my insecurities and struggles without me having to sit still, but I know that I sometimes use it to avoid the quiet time that I need. Much like the quote says, I want to shut out what is uncomfortable and hard. Somehow it does make it better to think that the hard stuff simply means that "life has not forgotten" me. And really, my life is pretty damn good :)

For the entire Rilke passage, click here. Its really good.

Being me.

A couple of times now I have taken the "Strengthsfinder Test". Its basically this long list of simple questions that you answer, and at the end of it all, you are given your top five strengths. I don't know who came up with this thing or how valid it is, but it is mildly interesting regardless. I have no idea why, but I was reminded of this today, and so I went back in my (very organized) email archives and looked up my results from maybe a year ago, when I last took the test. I laughed to myself as I read the descriptions of my top five. Yep, pretty much me. They are all super relational, feeler-type strengths.

While I suppose they are fairly accurate, I can't help but wish that some of the other strengths were a part of my top five. The first one that comes to mind is "learner". To me, learners are intelligent people. They soak up information like a sponge and their brains never feel like they are going to explode (like mine does sometimes).

I have been trying to be more aware lately of how I see myself, and if what I see is really very accurate. I know that I clearly have some flawed perceptions of myself and struggle with feelings of guilt and shame for not being someone that I think I should be. It is interesting trying to be more objective in how I see myself, and not so emotional. I mean, of course I am still emotional, but I am trying to look at even my immediate emotional response as just a that... a go to... a coping mechanism I guess.

Are you confused? Because I am.

Anyway, where I guess I wanted to go with this is that I don't have to be the person that I don't want to be, and I most certainly can be the person that I do want to be. It definitely takes some hard work, but I don't have to be the fearful, not confident, selfish person that I often am. If I want to be a learner, I can be a learner. In fact, I am trying to learn something that I really want to learn right now, and while it is quite challenging for me, I am so happy and thankful that I am being stretched and pushed out of my comfort zone. It feels good to move toward something that I want, rather than sit around thinking about what I am not and doing little about it.

Lastly, in the midst of it all, I am being constantly reminded to just be myself... to learn and grow, yes, but to still be me. Silly, emotional, Lululemon-loving me :)

Try try again.

I have been thinking quite a bit this week about failure. I know I have talked about this before, but I often struggle with feeling that I am not good enough... in many areas of my life. I recently started meeting with a counselor once a week to hopefully sort through and work on some of this stuff, among other things. In my last session with Rebecca, she mentioned that I used some form of the word "fail" several times. She asked me, "According to who are you failing?" My answer: "me." I suppose I have set up some faulty standards, that when I don't think that I am meeting them, I figure I must have failed. Now, I know this is all in my head, but more often than not I can really convince myself that it is true... that I am failing as a wife, Christian, friend, coach, etc.

Rebecca reminded me that without failures, many things would not be as they are today... we wouldn't have some of the inventions or modern medicines that we do or who knows what else. Failing often leads to answers and to growth. I know this all too well in CrossFit. Sure I have gotten upset when I have missed a lift multiple times, or not PR'd on a workout, but I have also learned from these experiences what to do the next time, or perhaps more accurately, what not to do. And from this, I have without a doubt seen growth.

This morning I happened to come across an article about failure written by Mark Twight from Gym Jones. I especially liked this insight of his:

A game contested by two teams for points emphasizes winning or losing on the day. The day is a test but the path leading to it is one of fear and overcoming (or not) and ultimately, self-knowledge. This path is that of growth so it has no start, and no finish. When it is walked like it has a beginning, middle and end, with achievement and success and a sense of "having arrived" as the sole auditors of good work done and knowledge gained, the athlete learns to fear failure. To evolve rather than simply repeating oneself, to truly live one must learn how and when to fail, and understand that failure is a necessary component of self-knowledge.

I tend to have very black and white thinking. I am either good or bad, right or wrong, succeeding or failing. I am working on trying to step outside of this way of thinking a little bit. Rather than seeing my "mess ups" as indicators that I have failed, instead viewing them as part of my path of growth and self-knowledge. Failing does not equal failure. While I know this is true, it sure is hard for me to believe when it comes to myself. I mean, real hard.

I have also been thinking that this is all a matter of attitude. I can choose to get defeated by my "failures" and quit, or I can choose to pick myself up, get my mind right, and try again. I do think that I am slowly becoming a more confident person, trying to find answers, seeking help, and working on the hard stuff rather than wallowing too long in guilt, shame, and my fear of failure. Since it is such an easy habit for me to fall into, right now I am simply working on being more aware of the times that I feel like a failure. Why do I feel this way? According to who's standards? And maybe take some time to objectively think about what might need some altering. I am pretty certain there won't be any huge changes overnight, but any change in the right direction is good.

At the end of his article, Mark Twight says, "In this context, success and failure are the same thing, though one feels a bit better than the other." Like he says, it may not apply to all situations, but I do like the thought of viewing my "failures" as opportunities for success.

Good Friday.

"I do not at all understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us." -Anne Lamott



Sometimes I forget what is true. It can be all too easy to get wrapped up in the small things and to listen to the lies... to forget about the bigger picture. I tend to get wrapped up in guilt and shame... what I should be doing or should have done, or said. I think about all of the things I could have done better rather than all of the things I've done well. I forget that I am not alone.

Someone once told me to practice, from time to time, sitting quietly and writing down what I felt God wanted to say to me in that moment. As hard as I can be on myself, its funny how every time I do this, God's words are so kind to me, full of love and grace. I am especially grateful for this today.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

In spite of myself.

I am thankful for a pretty low key day today. Beach run in the morning, followed by bacon and eggs for breakfast. I did some watering of my succulents and Jeff put up the hammock that Kareem and Al got for us in Costa Rica. I got so comfy in it, reading, listening to Kings of Leon on repeat, and just thinking. I know I don't take enough time to be still. I like to move around and be with people and fill down time with Facebook and internet browsing. I experience God the most when I am outside... even if its just in my front yard. Today was nothing special and I wouldn't necessarily say that I "heard" anything from God, but I did try to practice just being there in the moment.

I started reading a little book a couple weeks ago called "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence. I read most of it in one sitting, then put it down. I finished the rest in the hammock today, and there were a couple of parts that really seemed to stick out. The first was this:

"God requires no great matters of us; a little remembrance of Him from time to time, a little adoration. Sometimes to pray for His grace. Sometimes to offer him your sufferings. And sometimes to return Him thanks for the favors he has given you, and still gives you, in the midst of your troubles... The least little remembrance will always be pleasing to him. You need not cry very loud. He is nearer to us than we are aware. And we do not always have to be in church to be with God. We may make an oratory of our heart so we can, from time to time, retire to converse with Him in meekness, humility and love. Every one is capable of such familiar conversation with God, some more, some less. He knows what we can do."

Reading this, I think I tend to make to make conversing with God to big an ordeal. Everything has to be just right. What brother Lawrence suggests makes so much sense and sounds so simple, but certainly takes lots of practice... especially for me. My mind wanders and gets distracted far to easily. I love how at the end, he says "He knows what we can do." I tend to forget how gracious God is. Someone to be feared, yes, but also someone who cares for and loves us so deeply, despite all of our faults.

The other passage was this one:

"God sometimes permits bodily discomforts to cure the distempers of the soul. Have courage. Make a virtue of necessity. Do not ask God for deliverance from your pain. Instead, out of love for Him, ask for the strength to resolutely bear all that He pleases, and as long as He pleases. Such prayers are hard at first, but they are very pleasing to God, and become sweet to those that love Him. Love sweetens pains... Comfort yourself with Him. He is the only physician for all our illnesses. He is the Father of the afflicted and always ready to help us. He loves us infinitely more than we can imagine. Love Him in return and seek no consolation elsewhere."

While reading this, I felt tears run down my face. My heart feels heavy, and I can't help but think about how trivial some things are. I can get pretty wrapped up in myself... wanting everything to go just as I expect it should. Today I thought a lot about how small many of the things I obsess over are. I try to control so much that I get easily frustrated when I feel a lack of control... when my clothes get a little tighter or when my schedule is thrown off or when I miss a lift at the gym. I don't often leave much room for things to happen outside of what I plan. I also try to avoid thinking about the hard stuff, asking the tough questions, sitting in the uncomfortable places. But I am pretty sure this is what has to happen for healing and growth to take place, and thankfully "He is always ready to help us."

This week I hope to practice slowing down a little bit, maybe lay in my hammock some more (this time with sunscreen on), try to be more aware of God, and more gracious with others and with myself. Perhaps a little ambitious, but He knows what I can do.

just another day.

No deep thoughts planned for this post. Its just been a while and I feel the need to remind people that I'm still here... still kickin'. I felt generally happy this morning when I walked into the gym. I expected a long, painful IWT (interval weight training), but instead my workout was relatively short: 150m on the Versaclimber followed by 10 burpee pull-ups, about 90 seconds of rest, 5 times. This was my first real experience on the Versa. It is, as the name states, a climbing machine... you stand on pedals and hold onto handles, and move your arms and legs up and down in a climbing motion. Simple, but not easy... as we often like to say in CrossFit. One of my PT clients kindly loaned this contraption to our gym for an indefinite amount of time. I thanked her at the time... but now I'm not so sure I'm thankful. It's hard and awkward, and apparently I was doing it incorrectly. The hips are supposed to be still, but mine were not. Sassy hips :)

Following this workout, I did a 1 rep max Press. I wanted to hit 73#, as I swear I have done once before and feel strongly that I should be able to do, but could only get to 70#... a sad number... and it made me sad. I had to take a little time to just sit and breathe. Old thoughts and habits have been coming back lately and I am being extra hard on myself, which never helps. Maybe more on that another day. I finished the morning off with some practice on my free standing handstands. I'm glad I did, because this was fun. I've been afraid to try them and fall on my head or my back. I started by kicking up to the wall and then trying to hold my feet a few inches off the wall. Then I pulled out a big mat and practiced on the mat for a while. Failing was important for me on this one. I needed to know that its not so painful to fall over. I was able to hold myself up for a second or two a few times, which was a significant accomplishment for the day. I'll take it.

in time...

I am reading through a book that I love for the second time with a group of girls, called Found Art. In the intro, the author speaks about life being like a collage of experiences. I like this image because I have always liked collages. I used to make them out of photos and magazine clippings. I would hang them on my wall or give them to my friends. The idea is that our experiences... both good and bad, when pieced together, become something amazing and beautiful.

It always surprises me when I arrive at a place where I can look back on the difficult things in my life, and see how they have brought me to where I am today. Some things that were really crappy at the time have made me stronger, or helped me to relate to others in a unique way, or have caused me to change for the better, or steered me in a different direction. I am fully aware that my collage is not yet finished, that I will likely have many more difficult things to deal with and hard decisions to make, and that past struggles can always creep back in. There are also many sweet things yet to be experienced. But I like this idea that all of these random pieces together are making a complete picture of me... that there is some sort of method to the madness.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11.

The author of the book asks, "Which of these 28 seasons particularly resonates with you today? Why?"

Of course this is challenging for me because there are too many options and as you know, I have a hard time making decisions. I want to pick a few of these, but I'm going to say that for me, this is a time to build. I feel like I am in a pretty secure place right now and for this I am so grateful. In some ways, I feel as though I have just started something and each day I am building on that. I am being challenged and learning and just plain thinking more. However, there are some tools and materials I am not using as much of in my building that would probably make things go a little smoother and look a little better. This may seem somewhat cryptic, but I hope that I am able to let go of some of the expectations, shame, and fears that keep me from using these other things, which will help me to build something more solid and beautiful.

"... but if we will enter the frightening place--if we will engage in the context of this new culture--we will see that there was no shortcut to transformation." -Leanna Tankersley

loving truly.

Not trying to be a downer here, but I had kind of a "blah day". I hate days like this... especially when nothing is really wrong. I just feel blah... unmotivated, uncomfortable in my skin, tired, grumpy... and that's not me. Last week I was so busy and didn't have a whole lot of time to sit, think, pray... whatever. I guess this is why I am writing this. It helps me to focus my mind without having to be still... it feels more productive somehow. Why is sitting still so hard for me?

In an effort to feel better, I guess, I read today's reading from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers... something I try to do most days, but am not always successful. There was one line that really stuck out to me. It was this: "True love never simply declares itself." I thought about how easy it is for me to declare my love for someone or something... but how much more difficult it is to follow my words up with action. Action is the hard part, and its easy to justify and get lazy... especially when I am in a routine. I can easily tell Jeff that I love him, but not make an extra effort to spend quality time with him or go out of my way to surprise him. I can easily say that I love God, but not make time to pray or even acknowledge that he is with me always. I can easily say that I love my CrossFit training, but not do more of what I know it takes to be better at it... like eat right and ice my achy shoulders. I know without a doubt that I love Jeff and God and CrossFit... and many other people and things of course, but I am afraid that if all I do is simply say the words or go through the motions, that at some point, it won't be enough. It won't be enough for them, and it won't be enough for me.

"True love never simply declares itself." It does more than just say it. There has to be action. Love requires sacrifice. Sometimes its easy and sometimes its really hard. But if that person or thing is really worth it, well then, you do what you gotta do. I guess that is pretty much as far as I got. Nothing profound. Pretty obvious. I do feel a little less blah though. So tomorrow I am going to try to love more truly.

photo note: I love my succulents... and I love that they do not require much action. They are growing like crazy right now :)

Early Morning Ramblings.

In my opinion, one should be able to sleep in on a Saturday morning. However, I have had two restless nights in a row. This morning I woke up at 4:45am and despite my best efforts, I could not go back to sleep. It could be that I have a lot on my mind, except that I don't really... at least nothing stressful. It could be that my body is achy and I just couldn't seem to get comfortable. It could be that Jeff was breathing extra loud the past couple of nights, or maybe I only noticed because I was half awake. Regardless, here I am blogging when I should be sleeping, and to tell you the truth, I am kind of thankful for this time to just sit and think.

For a short week, this one was very full. I don't feel like I got much down time, which is actually pretty good for me since it can be especially easy for me to get lazy when I have too much time on my hands. In my CrossFit training, Steve had me do three workouts a day this week... something that sounded easier to me than it was. And as usual I learned (and relearned) a few things. On Wednesday and Friday I did the group workout twice... once in the morning and once in the evening with another workout in between. Let me just say that a few hours is not enough time to forget the pain of a workout! Looking back though, it was kind of cool to be able to get a second chance to do better. In the time between the workouts, I was able to think and strategize about how I could improve, as the workout was very fresh in my mind. I knew the points where I would want to slow down and the movements that I could speed up on. Despite being tired from my first two workouts of the day, I managed to dig deep and improved my times. I was especially pleased with yesterday's workout because the second time I did it, there was no one there to push me, no one to compete against. Just me. I fought for each rep and told myself to keep moving. My time reflected my attitude and finishing with a good time was the best reward. If I had to do the same workout twice every day, I'm pretty sure I would hate life, but this week I am thankful for second chances.

On another note, something I had to relearn was that I'm not going to get a PR every time I do a max lift. Call me crazy, but if I was able to snatch 85 pounds two weeks ago, I should be able to do it again right?! This week I was struggling to get 79 pounds, and after maybe 20 attempts and a little cussing at the bar, I finally had to stop. Something a friend told me a while back, that has really stuck with me, is this: "No athlete is 100% all the time. There are good and bad days. The important thing is to recognize when you are having a good day and push it; and when you are having a bad day, understand, and push through it." Having a bad day or not hitting a PR does not mean that I'm a failure. Bad days are inevitable... in the gym, at work, in life. The key is to not let the frustration overtake you and give up, have a little grace with yourself, and do the best you can for that day. Learn and keep on moving forward.

photo: sunrise run this week... took this on my sweet new iphone!!

Running. Don't be a hater!

Hey guys. I just got in from a great run on this perfect 70 degree day in Orange County. If you don't live here, my apologies. While running, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I love to run, and I decided that I wanted to write this post about it. I hear from people all the time: "I hate running!" Let me say this, I hated brussel sprouts until I tried them. And perhaps more relevant, I hated swimming until I practiced it. I hated it because it was hard for me, I wasn't good at it, and I didn't want to take the time to work on it. I'm serious. It wasn't until an injury that kept me from running, that I finally sucked it up, got in the pool a few days a week, and learned how to swim. One year later, I like swimming and even did a triathlon.

Now, if you have no interest in being a runner, then by all means keep hating it. However, if you want to be a runner, you have to stop hating and talking about how much you suck at running, and just do it. My guess is, half of your problem is in your head. Let me tell you a story. A few years ago, my sister Piper and I signed up for a half marathon together. She hated running, really hated it, but wanted to be better and needed a little motivation. We would meet up regularly and run for as long as she could, and then walk until she felt like she could run again. At first we would run maybe 5 minutes and then walk the rest, then we got up to 10 minutes, then 20. On race day, I kid you not, Piper ran the first 6 miles of the race without stopping. I must have asked her 50 times... "Are you ok?! Do you need to walk?", and she would reply "I'm good! Lindsay... I'm fine!" She now enjoys running and does it regularly along with CrossFit (of course!).

So, let me ask you... do you want to be a runner? If your response is "Yes!", then this is my challenge to you: in the next week, RUN. I honestly don't care how fast or how far you go... just do it. If its to the end of your block, that's fine. If it helps you to listen to music, by all means, crank it up!

Before you head out, let me give you a couple of tips:

1. Let go of any expectations you may have of yourself. Put one foot in front of the other and just go.

2. Breathe. Start at a slow pace. Let your body get into a rhythm. Inhale and exhale.

3. Relax. I often see runners clench their fists and let their arms creep up by their chest. Your fingers should be loose and your hands should be down by your hips, like you are going to put them in your pockets.

4. Listen to your body. If you are gasping for air or your knee is killing you, slow down or walk for a bit... and don't beat yourself up about it. Remember... let go of expectations.

5. Enjoy it. Try to run outside, not on a treadmill. Look around you. Take in the sights and smells. I often like to let my mind go when I run. Sometimes I'm thinking about something specific, sometimes I think about nothing at all.

If your response to my question is "No. I don't want to be a runner", then this is my challenge to you: try it anyway. God gave you legs, and some day you may have to move them faster than walking pace, so give it a try. (Mom, you too. Your knees will be fine.) Again, it doesn't have to be far. Simply see what it feels like. It may not be as bad as you think.

Lastly, I would love to hear how it goes. So, if you take my challenge, email me. Call me. Leave a comment. Tell me in person. Where did you run? How did it feel? Was it as bad as you thought it would be? And, if you live in Orange County and would like to meet up with other runners or wannabe runners, a group of us is going to get together in two Sundays (February 13th). I am thinking we will meet at my house around 9am, warm up together and go for a run along Back Bay. There will be a longer distance and a shorter one. And as your reward, I'll cook you breakfast afterward. Now that is a good deal! Details will be posted at www.crossfitcostamesa.com, so stay tuned. Happy running!

"My time on this earth is limited. My actions don’t have to be. The opportunities are as wide and as open as I want them to be. The only limiting factor is my mind. Only I can defeat me." -CrossFit Lisbeth

recap.

I think its time for a little update. 2011 is off to somewhat of a strange start for me. Last year, I remember feeling very motivated and I had this long list of goals in mind for the year ahead. I haven't really come up with any goals yet for this year. Of course I have goals... but so far I'm just taking things one day at a time. I like it this way for now. I like my old people at the Y, and my daily CrossFit workouts, and dinners with friends, and watching Dexter with Jeff. I especially like 75 degrees in January. Life is good.

Last weekend was the OC Throwdown... my second official CrossFit competition. I am happy to say that it went really well and I had a lot of fun. I felt much better going into this competition than the last one. I also really enjoyed having so many other friends from the gym competing... I think there were 9 of us, so there was always someone to cheer on... making it way more exciting. The event was really well organized and I thought the workouts were all quite creative, with nothing too crazy. I ended up finishing in 8th place out of 25 or so intermediate women. I am proud of how I did, but definitely feel motivated to up my game a bit and try for top 5 or 3 next time around. It was fun to be there this year and to think back on the same event last year. It was the first competition I had gone to watch, and I remember thinking... there is no way I will do this! At the time, I couldn't do one pull up... or a bunch of other stuff that I don't think twice about now. I have come so far in the last year... physically and mentally.

Probably my favorite part of the weekend was the final workout... not for me, because I didn't particularly like 30 heavy thrusters, but I really loved seeing Carrie finish first and watching Kris charge around the corner at the end of his run. Even now, it makes me tear up a bit. I love how CrossFit changes people, how it inspires hope and second chances. I know how hard Carrie works and pushes herself, and for her to to finish the way she did was just right. Kris, on the other hand, is pretty new to CrossFit, but naturally good at it and humble about it. I love that he is at the beginning of his journey and watching him finish made me so excited for what is to come from him and from so many other people who are new to CrossFit. So I guess thats it on the Throwdown recap.

In other exciting news, my new Nike's finally came in the mail this week! People keep asking me what is so special about them. Nothing. They are exactly the same style as my old ones... BUT this particular style is no longer sold in stores and so I had to special order them from the Nike website. Yes, they cost more because I got to pick out my own colors and have words stitched into the sides... which really, it would have been easier if I didn't have to do all of this, considering how bad I am at decision making. That said, they are here. They fit. And, they smell way better than my old ones.

my heart.

So one of my goals for 2010 was to read six books. I almost did it. I have about 20 pages left in my sixth book. Its The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, and I do actually love this one. Maybe I just wanted to savor it. Maybe it was meant to be that I read these final pages this week. There is all this dialogue about listening to your heart and pursuing your dreams and not being afraid. These are things I have been thinking a lot about the past couple of weeks. Who am I? What are the desires of my heart? What is important to me? What am I willing to sacrifice? I especially love this part of the book... it is a conversation between the boy and the alchemist:

"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."

"... When I have been truly searching for my treasure, I've discovered things along the way that I never would have seen had I not had the courage to try things that seemed impossible for a shepherd to achieve."

This could not be any more true. It applies to a few areas of my life, but this week mostly I am reading it with CrossFit in mind. If its not already obvious from previous blog entries, I love CrossFit... where its taken me, how its healed parts of me and challenged me physically, mentally, spiritually. This has been especially apparent the past few months since deciding to train more seriously for competitions, and being forced to face many of my fears and insecurities. Much like the boy in the story, I feel like I am discovering things that I never would have seen had I not tried what I thought I could not do.

Some things have changed recently, but my heart still wants what it wanted before. I'm not even sure exactly what that is, but I just feel like I'm not finished yet. My mind has been bouncing around between what I should do and what I want to do and what other people think I should do. It has been hard and a little lonely. I know I am supported and loved, but I want so much to feel peace for myself. To know without a doubt that I am in the right place, that I am following my heart in search of my dreams. As the Alchemist says, "When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it." I am hoping this is true.

decisions.

Decisions. I've never been particularly good at them. I am that person in the restaurant who stares at the menu for as long as possible, asks everyone else at the table what they are ordering, asks the waiter what his favorite dish is, and when I finally do order, I've created my own dish... and then end up eating whatever Jeff ordered instead. Go figure. My point being... when it comes to deciding what I want for myself, I have a very challenging time. Its especially difficult to separate what I want from what I think I should want or from what someone else wants... even if I know we are completely different. I'm talking about more than food here, but I think the comparison works. I am easily moldable... and when it comes to my life, thats probably not such a good thing. I should be a little more solid... a little more sure and confident. I care too much about what other people think, which I know I have mentioned before, but this just adds to the difficulty I have making decisions.

Anyway, today was especially full of thinking, weighing pros and cons and other people's opinions and feelings. Do I want the steak or the salmon?... and is it possible to just have a little of both? Usually I want both, however most restaurants are not so accommodating... unless of course you pay 60 bucks for the surf n turf. Really, this is not about food. But if it were, I'm the one who is going to eat it, so I better make sure my choice is mine. Wow. It must be past my bedtime.

rainy day random thoughts.

I don't want to sound depressing and say that I'm not happy. I'm not NOT happy, but maybe just kind of eh. I can certainly have fun and I don't necessarily feel down. Indifferent perhaps. Going through the motions a little bit. I've been this way for several weeks now... maybe longer. I haven't really been paying attention. There were a couple of things this weekend though that made me stop and think... more than anything, just got me outside of myself for a few minutes.

Jeff and I went to my dear friend, Sarah's graduation from Art Center in Pasadena on Saturday. Part of the graduation was dedicated to awarding alumni who have used their skills to make an impact in their community and the world. It was impressive and inspring to see videos of the work they had done and how they were helping others. I started to think about how amazing it feels to help someone else, to give without expecting anything in return, to work hard for something that I believe in and care about.

Although I have learned a lot of valuable things in the last year and have grown in many ways, I have mostly done what I want to do... and not done what I don't want to do. And now I sit here, feeling a bit... well, unfulfilled. I read something this morning from a CrossFitter's blog that said, "If you don't like your lift, adjust your grip. If you don't like your life, change it. The game is yours. You are the controller." Its not that I don't like my life, but I know that it can be more. I know that I can be better, and I am the only one who can make it so.

So the graduation was inspiring, even if it was a tad on the long side. There was a sense of hope and promise and a fresh start that I longed for. The other thing was church yesterday. I seriously don't remember the last time Jeff and I went to church, but it had been a while. And yesterday was almost another lazy Sunday, but we went... and I'm usually glad when we do. Sometimes I'm not even really paying attention to the message, but just the act of going and listening to the worship and being surrounded by other believers gives me a sense of peace and reminds me that there is more than just me and my four mile radius. Anyway, it was hard to not pay attention because there was a pretty impressive Christmas drama... lots of ladders and dancing and cool lighting and music... not as cheesy as I make it sound, I promise. The message was Immanuel, meaning God with us. I have heard it a thousand times, but what I really heard (and needed to hear) yesterday was that we no longer need to climb (hence the ladders) and strive, because God stepped down into our world. He was with his creation thousands of years ago and he is with us today... all the time, even when we don't feel him.

I struggle a lot with striving for things to make me feel meaningful, and often times, they do, at least for a while. But I know deep down when my priorities are out of whack because there is a small sense of emptiness. Normally, I feel a lot of guilt over this, but today I guess I just recognize it as a stage of life and something that I want to change. If you don't like it, change it... right? Oh, thats so much easier said than done!

Part of me is tempted to wait to change. After all, January 1st is right around the corner and there is no time like the new year to start fresh. But I guess there will always seem to be a better time... because change is hard. Being more intentional with your life takes effort. Cookies taste good at the time, but they don't feel so great when you are doing burpees with them in your stomach. Get my point?

I don't know what else to say here, but I think this quote is fitting,

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you are going to do now, and do it." -William C. Durant

having fun doing what i do.

I know, I know... its been a while! To my hundreds of followers, I am very sorry ;)

So, considering this blog has become 98% about CrossFit, I see it only fitting that I write about my first competition. As most of you know, I participated in the women's intermediate class at the Next Level Invitational two weekends ago. I have been training to compete for several months now, and this was my opportunity to get out there and experience what its like.

It turns out that when something new (and perhaps a little scary) is a safe distance away, its easy to imagine oneself prepared and calm and in control when the time comes. This is how I was feeling up until the Monday before the NLI. I don't know what happend to me, but the five days before the competition I lost myself and I couldn't seem to pull it together, though I was trying. If I had a regular "that time of the month", this would have been it. I was super emotional and irritable and I wanted to eat lots of ice cream (maybe that last one is not so out of the ordinary). The point is, although I had been training my body and my mind for months and was as ready as I could be, I suddenly didn't feel ready. My fears of failure and letting other people down started creeping back in, and I was having a very hard time remembering why I am doing this.

Not helping my situation, Steve tapered my workouts the week before the event. I had seriously convinced myself that he just wanted to make me miserable. Tapering is hard... much harder than I thought it would be. I guess I believed that my body needed it, but mentally, the decrease in intensity and volume of my workouts made me feel lazy and detached. And the fact that I was having to do something different was causing me to make this competition a bigger deal than it needed to be. By Friday I was about to break into tears at any moment. Thanks to the encouraging words of Carrie, who I've been training alongside since the beginning, and Steve, reminding me that I'm more than capable and that this is just for me to get experience and have fun, I was finally feeling ready for Saturday. My primary goal was to have fun and do what I do.

But enough about the pre-game. I just wanted you all to know that kicking ass does not come so easily for me ;) So Saturday morning, I had all of my stuff ready to go, and I met Carrie at the OC Fairgrounds where we checked in, set up our stuff, and started warming up. The first half of the workout included a 2 rep max snatch, a vertical jump, a 60 meter shuttle sprint, and max pull-ups without leaving the bar. My heat went around 8:30. When I walked out to the bar, my amazing gym family was there in the stands cheering me on, and I felt an overwhelming sense of support and peace. I wasn't nervous at all... just focused on doing the task in front of me the best that I could. I PR'd on my lift, which felt good, and made it through the other tasks without falling on my face. I was placed 35th out of 50 women.

The afternoon events were much more cardio intensive. Find a 1 rep max deadlift, perform 3 rounds of 3 clean and jerks at 95# and 6 broad jumps, then max burpees in 4 minutes, max meters on a ski erg in 4 minutes, max double unders in 4 minutes, and 30 knees to elbows then a 500 meter run for time. I felt much less anxious about the deadlift than the snatches. I lifted 260 pounds... 9 pounds more than my previous max only a couple weeks prior. The clean and jerks felt surprisingly light, and the other parts of the workout were more a matter of pushing through the pain than anything else. I knew that I could do the movements, I just had to move fast. Going through each 4 minute segment was an interesting experience. I was present in the moment, but at the same time, my mind was somewhere else... i was in the zone and just let my body do what it had to do. I almost made it through all of the events without falling on my face, but on my run, someone walked right into me as I was rounding a corner and I hit the ground pretty hard. Adrenaline got me up fast and I probably only lost a few seconds. No real harm done, just a decent sized bruise on my hip.

At the end of the day, I moved up to 15th place. I am happy with that, but honestly could have finished at the bottom and still would have felt amazing. It was an incredible experience (fun even) and a huge hurdle for me to get over. I am proud of myself for not quitting. I know that I have a lot to learn yet and many things to improve on, but every day (good or bad) I am moving forward. As I sit here now, I can't help but be so thankful that I get to do this, that Jeff is so supportive, that my community is so encouraging, that my coach pushes me to be better, and that I am capable of so much more than I ever would have imagined. I think we all are.

to watch a video of the event... my friend Chris put this together: nlp invitational

Overcoming myself.

Ok, only five days until my first CrossFit competition. Up to today, it has felt far off... but I have started to get those dreadful waves of nervousness accompanied by the little negative voices in my head. I was back in the gym this morning after the long weekend at home for Thanksgiving, and it was harder than I anticipated. Much harder. This is not because I slacked off all weekend... because I didn't. I'm not entirely sure why it was so hard. It was cold. My shoulder has been bothering me again. I ate less paleo-ish the past few days. None of which are good excuses for not being willing to give my best this morning. Mostly it is just one of those days where its that much harder for me to focus and get my mind where it needs to be. Its frustrating because I have felt good (physically and mentally) the past few weeks, and I want this last week before the competition to be just as good, better even.

Maybe its not just one of those days. Honestly, it is most likely my fear of failure and looking like an idiot in front of people that is getting to me, now that Saturday is getting closer and closer. Yes, this is definitely it.

Regardless, the way I see it, I have a decision to make today. I can choose to let my insecurities and fear get the best of me and go into Saturday unprepared and already mentally defeated, or I can choose to focus and get my mind right so that I will be ready to give everything.

To get my mind right, I had to go back and read through my document of stuff that inspires me. The quote that speaks the most to me today comes from a blog that I follow of a CrossFitter/Oly lifter, Sage Burgener. Her brother wrote her an incredible letter a while back that she shared on her blog. I have read it many times, but this is what I needed to hear today:

"...you have to be comfortable with the possibility that you may succeed tremendously, or fail miserably (in terms of winning and losing). The important thing is that you committed, and you did everything you could to make it happen. Trust me, if you do that, the thoughts about winning and losing seem to almost disappear. It's about overcoming yourself, and pushing yourself to become greater than you were the day before, that's what really matters."

I have committed and I have been working hard. I may finish last. I may miss a lift or trip and fall on my face. I may even do really well. What is most important to me is that I do the very best that I can do for me... that I don't settle for mediocrity, that I don't stop pushing hard, that I overcome myself. Giving up is the only thing I would regret. With that said, I am choosing to kick fear in the face and do what I need to do this week so that I am ready for Saturday. Starting... now.

Tabata love?

If you do CrossFit, then you know all too well the meaning of "Tabata". I would describe it, but I think coach Dan John does a better job than I would:

"This training method is so simple, yet so incredibly difficult, that athletes tend to try it once, acknowledge its greatness, and then vow to never speak its name again. What is it? It's simple: take one exercise and perform it in the following manner:

1) For twenty seconds, do as many repetitions as possible.

2) Rest for ten seconds

3) Repeat seven more times!

That's it! You're done in four minutes! Oh, and that thing you're trying to brush off your face? That would be the floor."

This month I have been doing a Tabata set four days a week on the rowing machine. I row for 20 seconds, rest for 10 and do this a total of 8 times. I am supposed to hit a certain split time on the rower each 20 seconds and hold it till the end. It's pretty painful. The first 2 rounds feel great, 3-5 are okay, 6 is where I tend to lose a little bit of my mental toughness, and 7 and 8 hurt like hell... like everything is shutting down. Although I don't particularly like doing these little gems, I am told that they will improve my work capacity and probably some other stuff, if I really push myself hard on them, so this is what I am trying to do.

Like most things CrossFit, my Tabata rows are giving me more than a workout. Each time I sit down on that rower, there is this crazy mental battle going on. I'm not crazy, but I have voices. One voice is easy on me and full of excuses. It says, "Just take it easy today. You had a hard workout last night. You aren't feeling very well." Another one is negative, "You aren't going to make it. You're not good enough. Just quit." And the last one, which I try my hardest to listen to, says things like, "You can do it. You are good enough. Forget everything else and focus. Don't give up. Just go!" When I start to pull, if I'm listening to anything besides my Go voice (and Eminem... :), I'm likely not going to hit my split time.

I am learning a lot about myself in this training process. I am painfully aware of my physical as well as mental weaknesses. Though the Tabata rows are hard, I am strangely thankful that I have to do them four days a week. Each time, I have an opportunity to be better, to practice ignoring the negative voices, and to hit my split time all 8 rounds (which hasn't happened yet, but I know it will). Some days are good, some days are not so good, but each one is another chance to push hard and do better and learn something.

3, 2, 1, Go!

being where i need to be.

Last week I was really feeling the impact of the volume and intensity of my CrossFit training. I realized that I was starting to lose some focus. I would show up and do my exercises and whatever was programmed for me to do, but I couldn't seem to get myself mentally present or ready. It must be said that when the body shows up but the mind stays home, the workouts are waaaaay harder.

Last Thursday, I was thinking about all of this quite a bit... just about how difficult it is to be intentional in all aspects of my training... from the physical therapy exercises and drilling to the strength pieces and met-cons, not to mention in what I eat and how much sleep I get. However, I realize that being intentional is necessary if I want to be a better athlete and accomplish my goals. Aside from being intentional with my actions, I am learning how important it is for me to be intentional with my thoughts (even more so probably). I guess I have started getting comfortable with being just pretty good or only giving 80 percent and letting that be enough for me or making excuses if it wasn't. Its hard to be "on" all of the time.

A few months ago, I started a document on my computer of various articles, quotes, poems, and youtube videos that challenge and inspire me in one way or another. I was reading through some of this stuff today and came across this quote from a Gym Jones article by Mark Twight: "You must want (or need) to be where you are, doing what you are doing. If you can't pay attention or if you don't want to work hard, don't bother showing up to go through the motions. Nothing is gained by doing one thing with your body and another with your mind." This really hit me. Don't even bother showing up. That is pretty powerful. If I just decided to not show up for my workout tonight, it would look like quitting... it would be no secret because I would physically not be there. Steve and the others would notice. Its easier to fly under the radar and "fake it" when I show up physically but not mentally. But Twight says, "don't even bother... nothing is gained." I can't deny the truth of this. Even if no one else knows, I know, and my growth will be stagnant.

That said, I am making an extra effort to be where I need to be this week. I am trying to be more intentional in my actions and in my thoughts. It is not easy, and I will likely fail multiple times, but I'm going to take it one day at a time because this is the commitment I have made.

Time to go work out!