What's with today, today?

I am tired today. My body is achy from my workouts the last few days and I am sleepy from going to bed too late and waking up too early. Tonight Jeff went to the OC Fair with some friends, but I just couldn't muster the energy to brave the crowds... even though this means missing chocolate covered bacon, deep fried butter, and pig races. Instead I cooked myself some salmon for dinner and have been lying on my couch with an ice pack on my knee (a result of last week's fall while running... smooth, i know), reading CrossFit articles and listening to my new favorite album on repeat (check it out).

I feel myself just going through the motions at the Y lately... maybe its because my position is new and I dont quite know where to start. Mostly though, I think its that I am so much more excited about CrossFit. I just love being there. I love the people, the atmosphere, the intensity. I struggle sometimes with training people at the Y. Even though I try to bring in the knowledge I have gained from CrossFit, it is often not what people want. They want to get in better shape, but don't really want to work for it. Maybe they don't want to get in better shape... maybe they just want to hang out with me? They're mostly old though, so I guess that's okay, so long as they move a little bit!

Have I mentioned that I have confidence issues? (Weird transition of thought, I know... but that's me). Hey, I have confidence issues. There I said it. No, not in all things. I mean, when I get comfortable with someone, I get comfortable... just ask Jeff. I think its mostly in my abilities... in school I never thought I was smart enough, in jobs I don't think I am qualified enough, in the gym I don't think I am capable or strong enough, in my relationship with God I don't think I am good enough. I'm afraid of failure and of letting other people down, so I play it safe. I talk myself down. I bail when things get tough or when the end result is unclear. I distance myself. Why? I don't know. Why is it so much easier to see the potential or success in others? I believe in other people way more than I believe in myself. I like that I can be an encourager in this way... I just wish I could be as kind to myself. Hmmm. On a positive note, I am so lucky to have people in my life that see in me what I don't always see in myself and push me to be a better and more confident person.

Anyway, random thoughts. This is what happens when I let Jeff go to the fair and leave me at home alone with my wandering mind. Maybe I'll watch 'So You Think You Can Dance' now.