Becoming...

Do you ever think of yourself as being one way... almost convince yourself that this is who you are because its how you want to be or think you should be... but you aren't really this way? I do. For example, I always think I am such a great bowler. I must have had a couple of good games back in the day... and by that I mean I bowled over 100. Truth is, I'm not really that good at all. Its as if I've blocked out all of my bad games and only remember the two "good" ones. I don't know why bowling came to mind first... I can't even remember the last time I bowled!

Anyway, I was thinking this week about how I tend to think of myself as an adventurous person... willing to try anything. The truth is... I am pretty fearful when it comes to trying new things. I want to be adventurous and spontaneous, but when the opportunity presents itself, I let fear take over. Sometimes its fear of pain, discomfort, or death (probably irrational, but hey). Sometimes its fear of failing or looking like a complete idiot, or fear of what others might think of me. Sometimes its fear that I might become someone else... not in a bad way necessarily, but just different... different than the Lindsay I am used to. Being more adventurous... spontaneous... daring... is something I want to work on. I know that more often than not, when I do what I am afraid of, I am not disappointed. Its freeing and fun.

In many ways CrossFit has helped me become less fearful. Before a workout, my stomach often turns in anticipation of what is to come, but as I get into the workout its almost as if my body just does what it will and its my mind that I have to keep focused. The very moment that I lose confidence and tell myself "I can't" is the moment my body slows down or stops performing or doesn't lift the weight... even though it is perfectly capable.

This morning, my workout included finding my 1 rep max Jerk. My previous max was 99lbs and I wanted to break 100. When I thought that I had, I realized that I added the weight wrong and was only at 97lbs. So when I got to 102lbs, I struggled to get under the weight. I was afraid... of getting hurt, I guess... which is kind of ridiculous since I know I can just drop the weight. Steve asked me, "what thoughts go through your head when you go to lift the weight?"

me: "I dont know."

Steve: "Is it 'Oh Shit!'?"

me: "Yes, actually."

This little realization was helpful for me. If I start a lift without confidence, then it won't be successful. Although I tried changing my thoughts on my following lifts, I continued to fail many times after this. Its hard to change bad habits, and I have many of them. But I did get it... finally, and when I did, it was good. I started with confidence, not fear, and my body followed.

Equally humbling, I was reminded that not every one of my lifts will be a PR. I will often fail; often embarrass myself; often experience pain. As is with life. I am learning that all of these things are a necessary evil to my growth... and hopefully to becoming a better (slightly more adventurous) version of myself.