What's with today, today?

I am tired today. My body is achy from my workouts the last few days and I am sleepy from going to bed too late and waking up too early. Tonight Jeff went to the OC Fair with some friends, but I just couldn't muster the energy to brave the crowds... even though this means missing chocolate covered bacon, deep fried butter, and pig races. Instead I cooked myself some salmon for dinner and have been lying on my couch with an ice pack on my knee (a result of last week's fall while running... smooth, i know), reading CrossFit articles and listening to my new favorite album on repeat (check it out).

I feel myself just going through the motions at the Y lately... maybe its because my position is new and I dont quite know where to start. Mostly though, I think its that I am so much more excited about CrossFit. I just love being there. I love the people, the atmosphere, the intensity. I struggle sometimes with training people at the Y. Even though I try to bring in the knowledge I have gained from CrossFit, it is often not what people want. They want to get in better shape, but don't really want to work for it. Maybe they don't want to get in better shape... maybe they just want to hang out with me? They're mostly old though, so I guess that's okay, so long as they move a little bit!

Have I mentioned that I have confidence issues? (Weird transition of thought, I know... but that's me). Hey, I have confidence issues. There I said it. No, not in all things. I mean, when I get comfortable with someone, I get comfortable... just ask Jeff. I think its mostly in my abilities... in school I never thought I was smart enough, in jobs I don't think I am qualified enough, in the gym I don't think I am capable or strong enough, in my relationship with God I don't think I am good enough. I'm afraid of failure and of letting other people down, so I play it safe. I talk myself down. I bail when things get tough or when the end result is unclear. I distance myself. Why? I don't know. Why is it so much easier to see the potential or success in others? I believe in other people way more than I believe in myself. I like that I can be an encourager in this way... I just wish I could be as kind to myself. Hmmm. On a positive note, I am so lucky to have people in my life that see in me what I don't always see in myself and push me to be a better and more confident person.

Anyway, random thoughts. This is what happens when I let Jeff go to the fair and leave me at home alone with my wandering mind. Maybe I'll watch 'So You Think You Can Dance' now.

love these girls...

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one." -C.S. Lewis

This week I got to spend a good amount of quality time with some of the girl friends in my life. Three of my closest college girlfriends came to Costa Mesa for lunch at my house on Thursday. It is always so good to catch up with these girls who know so much about me... the good, the bad, the goofy... and still love me. We are in pretty different places in life, but when we are together, it is safe and comforting. I know that I can always count on them to listen and to pray for me. I did miss one though, who doesn't live close enough to drive here for lunch, but who is never far from my thoughts. On Friday, I went shopping with Alison. I met Al only a year ago and I am so thankful for our instant friendship. I can't even imagine my life in Costa Mesa without her in it. It is such a blessing to have someone to go through the day to day with... and to get sloshed with ;) I also hung out with some of the CrossFit Costa Mesa girls... these girls have become my community, especially over the past several months as we have started doing more things together. We talk about our workouts and new paleo recipes we've tried, and we laugh a lot. My life without these girls would be slightly less interesting and slightly more lonely. And of course there is Pi, whom I didn't really get to choose as a girlfriend... but if we weren't sisters, she would be that cool girl that I always wanted to like me, so I really lucked out there. All this to say, it was a good week... because of all of the incredible, beautiful, inspiring ladies in my life. I love you girls.

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though she knows that you are slightly cracked."

Lately...

Jeff and I find it funny lately to say, "Remember when we went to Europe?" It feels like a dream... but the hundreds of photos on our computer remind me that it wasn't. Things have changed a bit in the last couple of months since returning home... or at least it feels this way. I started a new position at the Y as the coordinator of a program for diabetics. When I said "yes" to being the contact person for this program almost a year ago, I had little idea of what it would look like, and its turning out to be a much bigger thing than I anticipated. It is exciting though to be challenged in my job and to be able to be a part of helping people get healthy. I am realizing that I have a lot to learn about... well, everything.

I also started coaching at CrossFit Costa Mesa... something I honestly did not think I would do for a couple of reasons... one being my fear of losing my love for CrossFit by making it my work, and two, that I felt unqualified and I suppose just not good enough at it myself to teach others. After a couple months of coaching one night a week and helping out with our on-boarding class, I can see that there is more to coaching that just knowing a lot of stuff... though this would definitely be nice! I am learning a lot as I go and gaining confidence thanks to the guys who have coached me over the last year and a half and who continue to challenge me and push me to be better. I feel blessed to be able to work someplace that I love. And while on the subject of CrossFit, Jeff recently joined the cult and is doing absolutely amazing... I'm pretty sure he loves it.

I guess there is not much else to report... though it feels like we have been so busy lately and have something going on every weekend in August. Since its late and I'm getting up early, I suppose I'll end with a quote... because that just seems appropriate, and easy.

"The real tragedy is the tragedy of the man who never in his life braces himself for his one supreme effort, who never stretches to his full capacity, never stands up to his full stature." -Arnold Bennett

CrossFit... its about time that I blog about it

Probably anyone who cares about reading my blog knows that I do CrossFit, as I have maybe become a bit obsessed. My first post about it was over a year ago when I was still very much a newbie. You can look back at it here if you like. A lot has changed since that post, both with me and with CrossFit Costa Mesa where I work out. When I started, we met in Alec's garage and there were only two class times a day, 6 or 7 pm, two trainers, and one rowing machine. Last summer we moved into a large warehouse and are now up to six classes a day, several more trainers, and six rowers, and there are new people coming in every week. It has been really incredible to watch it grow and even more incredible to see more lives transformed with increases in strength, endurance, mental toughness and confidence across the board. It is motivating, inspiring, and fun.

I have changed a lot too. I was instantly fascinated by CrossFit and felt at home in the CF Costa Mesa community. I would show up each time with butterflies in my stomach, anticipating what the workout would be and wondering if I would make it, but ready to push myself hard... harder than I ever had in my gym workouts or running. I remember my CrossFit beginnings clearly... doing jumping pull-ups (more of a jump than a pull-up), getting awkwardly slammed in the face with the medicine ball while trying to do "wall balls", being afraid to push press a 45 pound bar over my head, not knowing what a clean or a snatch or a thruster were. It has taken time and practice and lots of sweat, but I recently started doing real pull-ups, I've pressed way more than 45 pounds over my head, I have learned better technique and form for the various lifts and movements, and with all of it more confidence and the knowledge that I capable of so much more than I ever would have thought. I know that I will finish each workout, even if it is painful and takes me longer than I think it should. (Note: I do still get hit in the face with the med ball from time to time :)

Not only have my workouts changed, but also the way I eat, and most importantly the way I feel about my body. The CrossFit community really leans toward what has come to be called the Paleo Diet, which I wrote about a couple months ago (read here). I was pretty hesitant to try it given my aversion to "diets" and past struggles with food, body image, etc. However, I found that eating real, not processed foods... mostly grass-fed meat, fish, lots of veggies, fruit and nuts... made me feel really good. It makes sense to me to eat this way, and to my surprise, did not feel restricting at all. I eat when I'm hungry and I don't think twice about calories or fat. The biggest, and to me the most important change that CrossFit has brought to my life is feeling comfortable in my skin. For a long time I did a lot of hating on myself, constantly wishing I looked like someone else, doing the comparison thing, wishing I were more disciplined with my workouts. It was miserable. I had few goals and little motivation. I came to CrossFit Costa Mesa just after a pretty low point in my life. My focus shifted from exercising primarily to look good, to exercising to get faster and stronger and meet new goals. It was so much more rewarding and fun, and my attitude toward myself has totally changed and I am way happier. I don't think its even possible for me to go back to where I was before CrossFit.

So this week I am home after nearly three weeks of trotting all over Europe, while eating lots of gelato, with the love of my life... and I am back at the gym. Although it is no surprise to me, going back felt a little different... like I lost so much and now have to catch up. I also found myself struggling a bit more with my thoughts after the time away... wondering why I can't lift as much or go as fast as some of the other girls, or why my progress seems slower than others. But as I have been thinking more about it, I realize that its not about being better than anyone else. Its about me just being better for me... pushing harder, lifting more and moving faster than the time before, and striving for new goals for myself. The reality is, there is always going to be someone who is better, and all I can do is work as hard as I can to try to catch them; and that is enough for me. If CrossFit has taught me anything, it is not to give up. So despite my aching body and a little self-esteem dip, it feels really good to be back in the gym, sweating alongside my CrossFit friends. Light weight!

Euro Adventure... in photos (and a few words)

After a long day of traveling (and a very turbulent plane ride) we made it to London! This is us on our first day.

Here is the London Eye. We really liked London and did a lot while we were there... some highlights were Windsor Castle, Borough Market, walking around Notting Hill... and spending time with the whole family.

I even managed to get a CrossFit workout in at Greenwich Park with Thames CrossFit. Really nice people, lots of fun and soreness.

Next stop Amsterdam... a photo with the Schuil Fam. We did lots of walking around this city, went to the Van Gogh museum and the Heineken museum, took a canal boat tour, and more that I can't remember right now.

I even found succulents in Amsterdam... in cute little Dutch clogs!

Gimmelwald, Switzerland... imagine the sound of cow bells, incredible mountains, and the freshest air.

It was beautiful (and a bit cold). Jeff and I hiked for the day we were there. It was nice to be out of the city.

Cinque Terre, Italy. Loved it! We hiked from the first town to the fourth. Everything looked like this. And it was finally warm!

I loved Florence. We did a lot of walking around the city, saw the statue of David (much more impressive in person), and ate some yummy food. This was a night shot that I took on a late night walk around the city.

Our second day in Florence, we went on a small group bike ride through the Tuscan country side and had lunch at a winery... probably one of my favorite days. This is Jack in the back of our guide's bike.

Rome. Jeff loved the Colosseum and all the ruins. We did a lot of walking.

I loved the Gelato. This was taken on my 27th B-day outside of Giolitti's.

Our last stop was Paris. It was beautiful. We went to a couple museums, Versailles, top of the Eiffel Tower... and many other Rick Steve's picks that took us all over the city. It was lots of fun.

We were so lucky to be able spend time with my college friend, Andrea and her boyfriend Jean. We stayed in his house just outside of Paris for the time that we were there. They were incredible hosts and we were very thankful.

It was really hard to pick just a few photos to post, but hopefully it gives a good idea of where we were and what we did. The trip almost feels like a dream now... only a few days after being home. I am so thankful that we got this opportunity to go and travel together... it will likely be a long time before we can do something like this again!

this is embarrassing.

You may remember my lush vegetable garden and my excitement over my first little green tomato about a month ago. Well, apart from neglecting my blog, I neglected to water my veggies. I knew I needed to do it, but either didn't feel like it at the time or just plain forgot. I'm sorry mom. My tomato plant did yield a couple of red ones. When I brought one in for Jeff this week, he asked "are these the cherry tomatoes?"... "No, they were supposed to be the big ones." Thus, the skin was tough and they were a tad on the tart side... but we ate them anyway. I won't even talk about the yellow squash... its pathetic really.

Tonight after taking these pictures of my crispy garden, I planted a few succulents that I pulled from the Schuil beach house last weekend, in the whiskey barrel. Have I mentioned how much I love succulents? Aside from being pretty, they require very little attention, and water.

enjoying now.

I have this bad habit of always looking for the next best thing, thinking I will be happier when it comes along or when I get it. Only when it does, or I do, there is something else just out of my reach. It makes it very difficult to enjoy the present. When I was in college, I just wanted to be out in the "real world". When I was dating I just wanted to be married. In most places I have lived, I would anticipate the next move. In jobs I have had, I've been always on the lookout for a different one. Not to mention, I have thought when I lose this weight or have those jeans or go on that vacation I would be happy... finally right where I want to be.

The last year or so has been pretty different for me. I think I am learning to better appreciate where I am, what I am doing, and who I am. Someone told me that life is a process. When we make mistakes, we don't go all the way back to the beginning. We have learned new tools and experienced different things to help move us forward. Rather than try to fight our way to the finish, we should enjoy the process of getting there. This has been really helpful for me, especially when I am in a place that I really don't care to be in. Its funny how looking back, I can clearly see how each experience, job, whatever... good or bad... built on the next, and taught me something new about myself.

So here I am. Almost 27. Married to my high school sweetheart. Living in Costa Mesa. Working at the YMCA. I have been so blessed to find community and some really amazing friends in the last year of living here. I love working out at CrossFit Costa Mesa and feel more comfortable in my skin than I have in a long time. I am enjoying my job and the people I work with and train. I actually would not rather be anywhere else right now, and that feels really good.

I am reading a book right now called Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist, and I really like this quote of hers:

"This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. but pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted."